It Isn't Fair...

Photo Credit: Morgan Nati

He stood there, amazed. Slack jawed and more than a little irritated; he was fuming! After a long day's work in the fields he was returning to bedlam. Where was his father? The revelers were dancing and playing instruments, the smell of roasted meat filled his nostrils and not far away a familiar but heartbreaking sound of a man's voice filled his ears. He pushed his way past the partiers, to find his brother seated with his father. Laughing and feasting he was wearing one of Father's finest robes over tattered rags and as his hand reached for another chunk of succulent meat he caught a glimpse of the ring as it shone in the firelight. A ring? The robe? Really? Fury began to build in his gut, fiery and acid with the taste of betrayal. As his father looked up and saw him, he spun on his heels. He couldn't stand it any longer - He had to get out of there before he exploded.

"Son?" His father caught up with him outside the large tent. "Won't you come in and celebrate with us? Your younger brother has returned! He is back!"

"How could you?" His heart pounded loudly in his ears, his chest near bursting with anger and humiliation. "How could you treat him like a king when you know as well as I do he was laying with prostitutes and wallowing with pigs? He wasted everything you gave him! Why on earth are you celebrating?"

"But he is back! Your brother is back - We had to celebrate!" His father looked genuinely confused.

"He doesn't deserve it. I never asked you for anything, yet he demands it all and you give it to him! You never threw me a feast for being the good son... It isn't fair!"

Have you been there? Have you ever watched as someone less deserving got the best piece of the pie? Have you ever wondered if there is justice in this world? I have. Many times. I have watched as our own family struggled, ate less than glamorously, didn't vacation, prayed as our business languished. I have looked up from the devastation that I felt and seen those that are so smug and wasteful, less than Christianly, prosper and flourish. I have watched as others enrich themselves on the soil of our despair... It was terrible. It was excruciatingly painful. It wasn't fair.

So where is God's justice? I mean, we hear about how fair He is and how He will be our ultimate Judge at the end of time. Does that mean that we don't get justice until then? We have to wait until the Rapture and return of Christ to see those that are undeserving get what's coming to them? Well, do we????

If I am waiting for that kind of justice, I hope to be waiting a very long time. I hope, for all of our sakes, that it is never fair.

God's love isn't built on justice. It isn't measured out in deserving spoonfuls based on what I have done for Him or how much I have tried to be a "good girl." Thank God for that! God's love - What we all crave whether we are aware of it or not - God's love is based in Mercy and Grace. I cannot earn it or achieve it. I can only ask for it. The very best part about having Him operate that way? If I ask for His love, genuinely and humbly, He will give it every time. Without fail, God will never deny me His love and His grace. That means no matter how ugly I have been, no matter how selfish, how hateful, how murderous my heart, God will always open His arms and welcome me back to His celebration. I am never turned from His table of plenty. He will never ask that I sit in the corner and watch as others eat. He always has my seat reserved for me.

I am comforted by that - for me. I don't much like it when I see others I judge as unworthy allowed the same grace. Why? Because my justice is skewed, my grace is nonexistent, I am without mercy in my heart. I am human. He is God. I look at the situation and want to view the repentance in action. I want to see that the person is really going to be sorry and change their ways. I look at the outward view of a man. God looks at the man's heart. He sees the repentance where it starts, He looks into the soul and judges there - There, where I cannot go.

It seems too easy, doesn't it? That someone can just say, "I'm sorry," to God and He accepts it without prejudice. It doesn't seem fair or right... It is the same with salvation. You don't have to DO anything. You only have to ask and viola! It is done for you. You instantly become a part of the family with all rights to inherit the kingdom of God. You would think that people would be signing up by the droves to get that kind of booty. They don't. It's too easy. Our human nature says there has to be some kind of ceremony, some sort of sacrifice...

The ease in which you and I are saved from an eternity of darkness came at a very high price, the ultimate in sacrifice. The only person to ever live this life without sinning (not even once) took all of it on for us. He did it all! Christ did everything we couldn't do, so that He could climb onto a cross and be covered in every sin - EVERY SIN - past, present and future! His own Father, who vows never to turn from us, turned from Him so that we could have it so easy.

I won't tell you that I don't struggle with the prodigal son thing... I won't tell you that I don't wonder at times why on Earth God allows such painful injustice to wallop me on the head and bring me low. I will tell you I get it. I get that God wanted it to be so easy that to not accept His love would be folly. I get that if I am allowed His grace for every nasty thing I have done and will do, I have to allow others the same process. God's love isn't fair.... And aren't I glad of that?! After all, I am the only one that stands in my way from attending the same feast - And if you know me, you know I rarely miss a party!

Be blessed... not fair.

Where the rubber meets the road

As I tried to put on my "mom's-in-control-and-there's-nothing-to-worry-about face, as I drove as slow as I could force myself to drive, as I turned on the radio and sang along to keep my jangling nerves from showing, I knew it was one of those moments. One of the times I talk about that God speaks into my soul and I'm expected to listen...

It had been a long five days. My son had come down with influenza B and I had been doing the best I could to juggle work, caring for a sick teen and prepping the Man for a road trip in a few days that would last more than a week.

The Boy had been having terrible bouts of stomach cramps in the night time hours and I was fried. I don't function on interrupted sleep and three nights of it plus the stress of getting enough liquid into a surly teen was taking a huge toll. I have to admit, when he walked into my bedroom doubled over in pain I responded in frustration. There is nothing as irritating to me as feeling helpless and that was exactly how I felt: helpless.

Nothing I was doing was helping my son. Food didn't alleviate the pain, we didn't have any Pepto (which I know now was a good thing), and it seemed to be getting worse. After probing with some pretty invasive questions about his bathroom activity I decided to call a helpline. Something was definitely off.

If you've ever called a nurses helpline you know they can be incredibly compassionate and caring. This was no exception. The nurse I had even went the extra mile when my phone cut out twice not to drop the call. She made a point to call me back and continue getting the information.

If you've ever made one of those calls you might also be familiar with the tone of voice they take when they become concerned. It's a very sunny, I-don't-want-to-alarm-you-but-crap-just-got-scary distinctness I've heard only a few times in my life. It was time to head to the emergency room and she wanted to know if I was ok with doing that or if she should call 911 for me... Uh... Wow. There just isn't anything like that kind if reality slamming head on into your night.

No, I said, I can take him. When she began asking me to confirm that my Boy was coherent, that his speech wasn't slurred and that he could walk on his own power to the car I knew we were on a time crunch and that losing my cool was not an option. Luckily, that kid is made of some pretty strong stock and we made our way to the car and out onto the night time roads.

While I had a suspicion of what we were dealing with I also knew my child was counting on me to maintain a sense of security. He was watching my every move looking for any reason to be concerned.

Normally I'm a basket case when it comes to the safety of my "chillins". I'm overdramatic, volatile and protective in the extreme. Lots of eye-rolling tends to accompany my tirades and plenty of, "oh mom!" This night there was something different. I had a peace surrounding me. I knew we were at the edge of a dangerous place, potentially in some serious trouble but I also knew, just as sure as I was sitting in that seat, that Jesus was along for the ride.

You can call me crazy, over zealous, delusional - whatever you want. I really don't care. How I reacted, the quick way we made it to the hospital, all the professionals involved who looked and actually listened to us... He was there.

Even after two days in the hospital and the Boy on his way to recovery from a stomach bleed that still isn't quite pinned down, I'm confident that Christ is with us here. We have very few answers and not a lot of direction but my heart is full and my head is clear. We are in the palm of His hand always. No matter the situation He is there. I don't know what the next report holds but things look hopeful for us. It could've been so much worse but thankfully it wasn't.

We are not done here yet. It takes way more time and patience than I think it should for the simplest of tasks. But I'm doing my best to relax into it. No matter what my day consists of, no matter how interrupted my routines become, God is still at the helm. Trusting Him will always be challenging for me but looking back on this week I know He's not done proving He's worth it.

When I'm tempted to question what God is doing, when I think I just want to know what His ultimate plan is, I hope I can conjure up this memory of being held right in the palm of His hand, cradled, loved and protected.

Thanks go out to everyone who's prayed with us for a speedy recovery. We continue to covet those prayers as we await discharge, whenever that might be.

Be blessed!

Off Grid Living

I took a hiatus from Facebook not too long ago. It wasn't because of boredom, or because I grew out of it... I wish I could mature beyond a need for human interaction, but I have yet to reach that pinnacle. I took the break because my feelings got hurt. And then they got hurt again. And again.... And after a sincere and tear filled conversation with my husband, I decided close my account and log off. At the time, I didn't care if I ever set my digital foot-print on that site again, I was that hurt. There were lots of reasons I left but at the crux it was my own emotional immaturity and my inability to accept that not everyone has to like me.

I share this rather embarrassing part of my history because I hear from women more mature than myself that this new age of living online has them soothing hurt feelings too. How can you not, on some level, have a stinging sense of exclusion when you are able to see inside the workings of someone else's life and you are very obviously left out? When everyone of your "other" friends is thanked and you are left out, when you read of a party you were not invited to, yet someone you think barely knows them is included? How on earth are we expected to react when we feel slighted, hurt and excluded?

For myself, this came to a head when I realized that I was neither reacting nor relating to the situation as a Christian. I realized I was looking to outside sources for validation, away from my heavenly Father, and right into the grasp of the enemy. I was turning to the world for validation, not separating myself from it as God so clearly instructs. I also realized that I needed to really, honestly - brutally - look deep within myself and determine if I was mature enough to handle the responsibility of being part of something like Facebook. Was it the venue, or was it me? Was I the one with the problem?

Regretfully, but thankfully for my sanity, I came to the conclusion that until I was able to resolve some other major issues with my heart (think bitterness, grudge-holding and self-riteousness), I needed to excuse myself from all social networking. It was a blessing... I began blogging instead, met some amazing folks, and resurrected a life-passion that had laid dormant for years. I know that God worked it together for His ultimate good, but man - did it hurt in the meantime! It meant that I had to look at parts of me that I distinctly despise and it meant being disciplined enough to really know myself and do the right thing for me. To not fold under the pressure, no matter how well meaning, of my friends who didn't want me to leave FB was very difficult. I wanted to stay, but I also knew until I dealt with my issues, it was a no-brainer... I needed to log out.

When I got down to it, who was I trying to please? Was it God that I had my sights set on, or was it something else altogether? Was I in His will with my obsessive compulsive behavior? Ahem...Definitely not. So in this age where we talk ourselves into this mantra of, "I deserve to be a part of this or that," I had to look myself squarely in the eye and say I was not mature enough to be on Facebook. I was looking for validation beyond God's desire for me and I was acting childishly to boot.

I wanted my "friends" to shun my offender and they did not. I wanted God to punish my offender, and He didn't appear to even blink... In fact, to make matters worse, it looked like my offender was being rewarded! In the year and a half that I removed myself I realized I had a choice. I could use the venue as a tool or I could seek out other means of entertainment and self promotion.

Ultimately I learned some valuable truths about myself and how I to interact on a social network to keep my heart safe and God happy.

1. I view only what comes into my News reel. I don't visit other people's pages unless they tell me they have something specifically for me to see. That keeps me reading only things they want me to see. I have relied on a something my Aunt has said over and over, "What other people think about me is none of my business." I always thought that was crap until it was explained in light of my own private thoughts. Would I want someone else to know that? uh... Absolutely not!
2. It is good to take a break from the constant bombardments. I have committed to my family to have one tech-free day a week. No phone, iPad or computer for a whole day. If we leave the ranch only one adult is to have a phone and only to be reachable in case of emergency. It keeps us sharper, more aware of the others around us and less likely to take each other for granted. And do you know what? We are all pretty funny individuals! My kids have amazing senses of humor and my husband is a rockstar! (Just sayin'...)
3. I think more about what I am saying when I post now. I try to realize that there are folks out there who struggle with exclusion and who have the same issues that caused me to log off. I try to be uplifting and not Debbie Downer. No one wants to read continuous posts about how crappy my day went. And when I just have to post about a disappointment, I try to find some sort of humor in it. After all, it's just a bad day, not a bad life!

I know it isn't cool to say this, but take time to put the gadgets down once in a while. Let peeps know how to get a hold of you in an emergency, but live some analog time out there with a cup of coffee and a good friend, face to face, smile to smile, laugh for laugh. You will be astonished by how amazing you feel afterward!

Be blessed!

Pinterest is evil and other truths about me...

Pinterest is evil. Not because of its electronic nature, or because of its content. No, it is evil because it steals my time in huge chunks. I have a few interests that I love to cruise for, but mostly, when I am waiting in line or bored or just plain ignoring my to-do list I saunter through its maze of wonders in search of "Snark" that relates to me.

It is also something that God calls me to. No, not posting wildly inappropriate e-cards. That isn't what I mean. Sharing parts of me that are imperfect, flawed, sinful and snarky - That process is important to me, and believe it or not, it is important to God. He wants me to take myself less seriously, He loves to hear me laugh and He wants us to know that no one - NO ONE - deserves a pedestal. Well... Except for His son. But you know what I mean, right?

The thing about exposing one's flaws to the world and then laughing about it is simple. Once they are out there, flapping in the wind like so much excess skin on a running Bassett hound, they are much less powerful to our inner psyche. Once you share with the world that you are not the picture of perfection that you think you are (and yes, you are the only one who thinks it looks perfect), that Voice that taunts you inside, it loses its power over you. You become a lantern beaming out the rays of God's all-accepting love through all those holes of imperfection.

Today, I am thanking God for my struggles, for my sins, for the problems that won't leave my side. Those things, are great teachers of God's patient love. They remind me that I need Him, that He loves me despite of my awful behavior and the murderous thoughts I think in the post office Que. The flaws I have poke holes in the desire of the Enemy to keep my light under a basket. When I shine them forth, I steal his power over me and I fly in the face of my own pride. It also takes me down off my own rickety pedestal and puts me among those that need to know the love of God on a much more personal level.

Take a little time today to poke some fun at yourself. After all, you have a few hours to sink into the Pinterest-time-continum, right?

Desperate Conversations

Photo courtesy of Gail Pniak

"Are you there? God? I really hope you are there... I am desperate for someone to talk to. "

Speak, Child. I am always listening. You Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, Ps 10:17

"This is hard, Lord... This thing you asked me to do. It's really hard!"

Yes. I will give you the strength to do it. The lord gives strength to his people; Ps 29:11

"But God! You don't know what you are asking me here... It hurts to do this thing! I suck at it! I can't keep doing it all wrong and have your purpose be served. There has to be some other way!"

You are the vessel I have chosen. I chose you before the beginning of time for this role. I still choose you. Keep going. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. Eph 1:4

"Lord, you are not listening to me! I can't do this all by myself, I am too weak and sickly to keep going!"

You are not by yourself. I am here. I will not leave you in this. You can do it. You will do it. I will give you strength. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deu 31:6

"I feel so alone and abandoned, Lord. No one is here for me and no one wants to help. They all say the same thing... They all say to keep praying."

It's good advice, to pray. Keep your eyes on me. Like a firefighter rescuing a child from a burning home, keep your eyes fixed firmly in mine and I will guide you out of the flames. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Cor 4:18

"Lord, I am tired..."

I will give you moments of rest to rejuvenate. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Mat 11:28

"I am so unworthy. I can't possibly have enough faith to keep going."

All of you are unworthy of my love. I don't love you because you deserve it, I love you because I AM. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Rom 3:23

"If only I could see your plan for just a moment, just a second... Then I could understand and keep going. Then I would know why!"

My ways are not your ways. Even if I opened the Book, it would not encourage you. You could not comprehend the entire tapestry for the one small strand that is you. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Is 55:9

"Can't it be just a little easier? Why does it always have to be so hard?"

If it were easier, if I allowed you comfort, would you be on your knees with me right now? I determine the difficulty based on my knowledge, not on your comfort. Growth is painful and you are growing... For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. 1Pet 2:19

"Lord, how can I go on in such fear and desperate circumstances? I am only human... Surely, there is another person more qualified than me..."

Do not be discouraged. Even one far greater than the angels asked to be relieved of His duty. My will, not yours. Remember that. Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done. Luk 22:42

"This is hard, God. I hope it's worth it."

I gave you my promise. There will be great reward. Just keep going. Eyes up! Knees bent! Hands open wide for all the bounty that will come... For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer 29:11

On Floating (Wherein All Feet Are NOT Firmly On the Ground)

I feel lighter today. I can't always explain it when this sensation hits me, but it is one of absolute freedom. The picture says it all... At one point in a horse's stride, there are no feet on the ground, everything is airborne and they float, if only for a moment. I am in that instant in time today and it is glorious!

I do too much. It is no one's fault but my own and I am coming to grips with it, day by middle-aged day. I realize that if I am to do the things God is asking of me, I have got to let go of the things He has not called me to. I have to allow myself the freedom to say, "Someone else will do this better." It is excruciating for me to admit. It is a hallmark of mine to do LOTS of stuff... I admit I have been doing much of it for all the wrong reasons. I have craved accolade, acceptance and awards. The irony is, I can never gain those things because I am horribly overbooked and the end result suffers for it! Nothing gets done well when I try to do everything...

I am reluctantly trusting that God is at the root of my next steps. It hasn't been easy. I am still struggling with the desire to take it all back and say, "It's ok... I'll do it. It really isn't as bad as I thought..." Why do I do that? Is it shame at feeling like I failed? Is it pride that I think no one can really do my job as good as I can? Is it the insanity of exhaustion? Or is it the Enemy hoping I will stay mired in my routines and not step out to do the things that God is asking of me? I shudder to think I will succumb to any of it, for any reason.

The difficulty lies in asking another for help, primarily because I am ashamed at the mess I have created. I have procrastinated and delayed and done a half-assed job. Now things are in a shambles and I need help to clean it up. To allow someone into my mess, even if it is only a perception of mess, is to admit that I am a failure. It is almost unbearable. In my denial, not long ago I caught myself lecturing a friend on their inability to allow others to help them... Hmmm. I had to step aside to dodge the lightening bolt. I will call that an epiphany!

When I cannot possibly see another way out, I can't let my "but" get in the way. If I look up and then look around, I may just find someone in the vicinity with their hand up hoping I will pick them to be on my team. I can't be so prideful to think only I can handle it, only I should be involved, it is my mess and no one should have to deal with it but me. The Enemy wants me to think that way. He's desperately hoping I won't ask for help. After all, it is so much easier to defeat just one weakened Christian than a team of them working together for the glory of God!

Take a moment, look up, then look around. Is there someone who wants to help you in your trial? Who are you to deny them their gift to you? After all, that gift is coming directly from the hands of God who wants more for you! Let go, get light and float right into His purpose for your life!

Photograph courtesy of the talented Eli Paulsen. Contact me for more information on her work.

Senseless

I used to take anti-depressants. I suffer from genetic based clinical depression arriving on stealthy waves of inscrutable darkness and hopelessness manifesting in uncontainable rage. Years ago I realized there was a problem when I noticed after I walked into my kids' nursery they flinched playing there on the floor. It was heartbreaking, both as a mother and as a Christian. I had to do something to get my rage under control. It was beyond my own ability to solve. I went to my doctor. I poured my aching heart out on the sterile floor. I got some little white pills and I slowly came to grips with what "normal" might feel like.

While I did begin to recognize my "normal," I realized I had lost most of what elation, joy and manic happiness felt like as well. I became numb. After two years and talking extensively with my loved ones, I decided to try life without the drugs again, with the understanding that if I became needlessly angry once more I would take the medicine without hesitation. I am not a normal case. I was able to do quite a few things to detox off of the drugs, flanked by the amazing patience of my husband and good friends. I was diligent about changing my diet and my lifestyle so that I could begin to find "normal" without the anti-depressant. For me, thankfully, it worked. It does not for most people and I am not an advocate for what I found worked for me as a blanket cure for others. If you are on medication, stay on it! Stop taking them only under the care and support of your doctor.

Having clarified that, the feeling of being without emotions... It was what drove me to want a different solution. I am a passionate person in extremes. I get passionately excited, passionately elated, passionately angry. I learned how to control my responses through counseling, diet and stress management. I realize that my clinical depression had to be mild for me to do these things. I also realize daily that keeping ahead of the darkness means that I have to be diligent in all of my approaches.

Today I am feeling the passions once more. I feel angry, heart broken and sickened by the loss of so much life at the hands of a deviant. There was a shooting at the midnight showing of Batman in Aurora, CO. Amidst the movie goers were small children, women, teens and men who's only desire for the night was to be mightily entertained. It is no wonder that when the gas filled canisters rolled into the theater so many describe feeling confused. Somehow this had to be a joke, a part of some movie promotion, an ill timed prank. It wasn't until the gunman opened fire that reality, never mind how surreal and terrifying, finally set in. This was not part of the movie, it was part of their life - lives that would never be the same.

Listening to the reports I realized, like myself,as a society, we have become desensitized. We look at canisters rolling down a theater aisle way and we no longer heed the "danger!" signal that should be coursing through our bodies. We assume that it must be a joke, a part of the unreality we view on television and in movies every day. We have become numb to the violence we see around us as if we could never be touched by it. Today, at least 12 families have been touched by it. There is life lost - young, productive and hopeful life that will never regain it's ability to sense hope again. Reports have said there are 13 deaths to contend with.

"Senseless" doesn't begin to describe how I feel on this tragic day-after. I am enraged, incensed, devastated, crushed and terrified. I have kids who desire to see life from a safe and wonder-filled vantage point. I have to keep reminding them that if something doesn't' feel right, heed their instinct. God gave it to them as a gift and a safety valve. They roll their eyes at me and hug me as they chuckle. How many Columbine students did the same thing that fateful morning? I weep at the thought.

As scared as I am, I realize that there is wisdom in my children's approach. We cannot hide in our padlocked, dead bolted, alarm-armed caves and never step into the light of God's creation, but we can be more diligent about our sensibilities. We can be on the look-out for the desensitizing of our kids, of ourselves, of our communities. We can step up for those being bullied, those unfairly discriminated against and we can heed our inner alarms when those instinctual warnings are screaming in our heads to run! We can be the change we want to see in the world.

We simply must not be "senseless."

Carelessness kills; complacency is murder. First pay attention to me, and then relax. Now you can take it easy - you're in good hands. (The Message, Proverbs 1:29-33)

A Message from Him to You

Be kind to My friend today. She needs your encouragement, not your criticism. She's feeling unworthy and unwanted. Be nice to her as only you can. Tell her that I love her. I know you have said it all before... Tell her again anyway.

Love My friend today. Show her how special she is and how I have given her gifts to cheer her and feed her soul. Give her permission right now to use those gifts, even though she has so much to do and lots of places to be. Tell her to spend time on her, just for Me.

Encourage My friend today. Show her my wonders and my works to lift her spirit and allow her heart to breath. Tell her I have all the problems circling her brain already figured out and at the right time I will provide the solutions. Remind her of all the times that I have done that in the past.

Pray with My friend today. Remind her that I am only a whisper away. Tell her again that I am always listening for the sounds of my people. It is My greatest joy to hear her call out to Me so that I may answer. She is no burden to Me but a great delight to My heart. Tell her I sit waiting in the Living Room of her soul to commune with her and comfort her.

Be kind to My friend today. She is loved beyond measure and treasured as My child. Be very kind to My friend, because My friend is you.