It Isn't Fair...

Photo Credit: Morgan Nati

He stood there, amazed. Slack jawed and more than a little irritated; he was fuming! After a long day's work in the fields he was returning to bedlam. Where was his father? The revelers were dancing and playing instruments, the smell of roasted meat filled his nostrils and not far away a familiar but heartbreaking sound of a man's voice filled his ears. He pushed his way past the partiers, to find his brother seated with his father. Laughing and feasting he was wearing one of Father's finest robes over tattered rags and as his hand reached for another chunk of succulent meat he caught a glimpse of the ring as it shone in the firelight. A ring? The robe? Really? Fury began to build in his gut, fiery and acid with the taste of betrayal. As his father looked up and saw him, he spun on his heels. He couldn't stand it any longer - He had to get out of there before he exploded.

"Son?" His father caught up with him outside the large tent. "Won't you come in and celebrate with us? Your younger brother has returned! He is back!"

"How could you?" His heart pounded loudly in his ears, his chest near bursting with anger and humiliation. "How could you treat him like a king when you know as well as I do he was laying with prostitutes and wallowing with pigs? He wasted everything you gave him! Why on earth are you celebrating?"

"But he is back! Your brother is back - We had to celebrate!" His father looked genuinely confused.

"He doesn't deserve it. I never asked you for anything, yet he demands it all and you give it to him! You never threw me a feast for being the good son... It isn't fair!"

Have you been there? Have you ever watched as someone less deserving got the best piece of the pie? Have you ever wondered if there is justice in this world? I have. Many times. I have watched as our own family struggled, ate less than glamorously, didn't vacation, prayed as our business languished. I have looked up from the devastation that I felt and seen those that are so smug and wasteful, less than Christianly, prosper and flourish. I have watched as others enrich themselves on the soil of our despair... It was terrible. It was excruciatingly painful. It wasn't fair.

So where is God's justice? I mean, we hear about how fair He is and how He will be our ultimate Judge at the end of time. Does that mean that we don't get justice until then? We have to wait until the Rapture and return of Christ to see those that are undeserving get what's coming to them? Well, do we????

If I am waiting for that kind of justice, I hope to be waiting a very long time. I hope, for all of our sakes, that it is never fair.

God's love isn't built on justice. It isn't measured out in deserving spoonfuls based on what I have done for Him or how much I have tried to be a "good girl." Thank God for that! God's love - What we all crave whether we are aware of it or not - God's love is based in Mercy and Grace. I cannot earn it or achieve it. I can only ask for it. The very best part about having Him operate that way? If I ask for His love, genuinely and humbly, He will give it every time. Without fail, God will never deny me His love and His grace. That means no matter how ugly I have been, no matter how selfish, how hateful, how murderous my heart, God will always open His arms and welcome me back to His celebration. I am never turned from His table of plenty. He will never ask that I sit in the corner and watch as others eat. He always has my seat reserved for me.

I am comforted by that - for me. I don't much like it when I see others I judge as unworthy allowed the same grace. Why? Because my justice is skewed, my grace is nonexistent, I am without mercy in my heart. I am human. He is God. I look at the situation and want to view the repentance in action. I want to see that the person is really going to be sorry and change their ways. I look at the outward view of a man. God looks at the man's heart. He sees the repentance where it starts, He looks into the soul and judges there - There, where I cannot go.

It seems too easy, doesn't it? That someone can just say, "I'm sorry," to God and He accepts it without prejudice. It doesn't seem fair or right... It is the same with salvation. You don't have to DO anything. You only have to ask and viola! It is done for you. You instantly become a part of the family with all rights to inherit the kingdom of God. You would think that people would be signing up by the droves to get that kind of booty. They don't. It's too easy. Our human nature says there has to be some kind of ceremony, some sort of sacrifice...

The ease in which you and I are saved from an eternity of darkness came at a very high price, the ultimate in sacrifice. The only person to ever live this life without sinning (not even once) took all of it on for us. He did it all! Christ did everything we couldn't do, so that He could climb onto a cross and be covered in every sin - EVERY SIN - past, present and future! His own Father, who vows never to turn from us, turned from Him so that we could have it so easy.

I won't tell you that I don't struggle with the prodigal son thing... I won't tell you that I don't wonder at times why on Earth God allows such painful injustice to wallop me on the head and bring me low. I will tell you I get it. I get that God wanted it to be so easy that to not accept His love would be folly. I get that if I am allowed His grace for every nasty thing I have done and will do, I have to allow others the same process. God's love isn't fair.... And aren't I glad of that?! After all, I am the only one that stands in my way from attending the same feast - And if you know me, you know I rarely miss a party!

Be blessed... not fair.

Simple Stuff

I know! It has been too long! (Reaches out and gives you that uncomfortable "pat-pat" hug.) I try desperately not to give apologies or false hope here. I won't tell you "real life got in the way" or that I have been very, very busy - All of which is true. I will tell you that this is still my happy spot and I miss you when I don't show up here. I have been out in Analog World doing Me.

Me? Well this chick is a mess! She does things like lays laminate floor and crochets sweaters, draws cell phone covers and decorates glassware. She has a card business and lots of creative ideas. She writes reams and then doesn't write at all. She's simple and she's complex and all of that inside a 30 nano-second time span. I won't pretend to know why I have been out of the blogosphere for the last two weeks, I only know that I have accomplished much, gotten some much needed chores done, reclaimed an entire room in my home, lost a dog and been dealing with an insurance company. It has been a little hectic... And yet, I have been happy. Well... As happy as I can be when I am not writing.

Writing is just so much of who I am. It is the essence of Me. When you do what you love it is as if you suddenly exist. When I neglect it - Well, I become shadow - bodiless mist, as it were. Don't feel sorry for me, I can be damned productive shadow-mist! But I still pine for that space in my head that feeds my writer-self. I miss it. And so... Here I am!

It hasn't been an easy week, but I am still here, all of my loved ones are safe and the hard decisions are made. It is in these weeks, when I rely on God most, that I become aware again of how important it is to say thank you for the simple things and take a moment to appreciate them fully. Here is my list:

• I love the smell of fresh ground, fresh brewed coffee, hot in my mug, the color of warm caramel.
• I love to see my dog stare at me. Such innocence and love, unconditional and unwavering.
• I love realizing that the cat who loves only my husband is sitting next to me and allowing me to absently stroke his incredibly soft head. I love that he pretends not to notice I am touching him and I love that I touch him without thinking about it.
• I love that if you leave honey and lemons in a mason jar long enough they ferment into a lovely addition to your Vodka.
• I adore text messages from my love. He gets me... Mostly.
• I love my bed and the sound of my fingernails on the keyboard. They remind me that I am doing what I love in the best spot in the house, surrounded by the things that I love and love me back.
• I love the smell of cut lumber.
• I love the feeling I get when I accomplish something I was afraid to start (Yes, laminate floor and cardigan sweater, I am talking about you!)
• I love remembering to write things down so I don't forget them later and then actually remembering where I wrote them so I have them at my disposal when the time comes...
• I love the feel of crisp, fresh paper
• I love knowing that all of my choices, good and misguided, make me who I am and no one can say they have done it exactly like I have.
• I love feeling my purple converse get wet from the slush because it means we have snow on the ground.
• I love knowing that no matter what I fear, God already knows how it turns out.
• I love the curls and waves in my hair that are so trendy right now and all I have to do is give it a spritz and I am done...
• I love being a sister.
• I love finding a bargain at the Goodwill at just the right moment and confirming that it was a really good deal!
• I love just being...

What are your simple things? Say thank you right now and count them out loud!

Be blessed!

Where the rubber meets the road

As I tried to put on my "mom's-in-control-and-there's-nothing-to-worry-about face, as I drove as slow as I could force myself to drive, as I turned on the radio and sang along to keep my jangling nerves from showing, I knew it was one of those moments. One of the times I talk about that God speaks into my soul and I'm expected to listen...

It had been a long five days. My son had come down with influenza B and I had been doing the best I could to juggle work, caring for a sick teen and prepping the Man for a road trip in a few days that would last more than a week.

The Boy had been having terrible bouts of stomach cramps in the night time hours and I was fried. I don't function on interrupted sleep and three nights of it plus the stress of getting enough liquid into a surly teen was taking a huge toll. I have to admit, when he walked into my bedroom doubled over in pain I responded in frustration. There is nothing as irritating to me as feeling helpless and that was exactly how I felt: helpless.

Nothing I was doing was helping my son. Food didn't alleviate the pain, we didn't have any Pepto (which I know now was a good thing), and it seemed to be getting worse. After probing with some pretty invasive questions about his bathroom activity I decided to call a helpline. Something was definitely off.

If you've ever called a nurses helpline you know they can be incredibly compassionate and caring. This was no exception. The nurse I had even went the extra mile when my phone cut out twice not to drop the call. She made a point to call me back and continue getting the information.

If you've ever made one of those calls you might also be familiar with the tone of voice they take when they become concerned. It's a very sunny, I-don't-want-to-alarm-you-but-crap-just-got-scary distinctness I've heard only a few times in my life. It was time to head to the emergency room and she wanted to know if I was ok with doing that or if she should call 911 for me... Uh... Wow. There just isn't anything like that kind if reality slamming head on into your night.

No, I said, I can take him. When she began asking me to confirm that my Boy was coherent, that his speech wasn't slurred and that he could walk on his own power to the car I knew we were on a time crunch and that losing my cool was not an option. Luckily, that kid is made of some pretty strong stock and we made our way to the car and out onto the night time roads.

While I had a suspicion of what we were dealing with I also knew my child was counting on me to maintain a sense of security. He was watching my every move looking for any reason to be concerned.

Normally I'm a basket case when it comes to the safety of my "chillins". I'm overdramatic, volatile and protective in the extreme. Lots of eye-rolling tends to accompany my tirades and plenty of, "oh mom!" This night there was something different. I had a peace surrounding me. I knew we were at the edge of a dangerous place, potentially in some serious trouble but I also knew, just as sure as I was sitting in that seat, that Jesus was along for the ride.

You can call me crazy, over zealous, delusional - whatever you want. I really don't care. How I reacted, the quick way we made it to the hospital, all the professionals involved who looked and actually listened to us... He was there.

Even after two days in the hospital and the Boy on his way to recovery from a stomach bleed that still isn't quite pinned down, I'm confident that Christ is with us here. We have very few answers and not a lot of direction but my heart is full and my head is clear. We are in the palm of His hand always. No matter the situation He is there. I don't know what the next report holds but things look hopeful for us. It could've been so much worse but thankfully it wasn't.

We are not done here yet. It takes way more time and patience than I think it should for the simplest of tasks. But I'm doing my best to relax into it. No matter what my day consists of, no matter how interrupted my routines become, God is still at the helm. Trusting Him will always be challenging for me but looking back on this week I know He's not done proving He's worth it.

When I'm tempted to question what God is doing, when I think I just want to know what His ultimate plan is, I hope I can conjure up this memory of being held right in the palm of His hand, cradled, loved and protected.

Thanks go out to everyone who's prayed with us for a speedy recovery. We continue to covet those prayers as we await discharge, whenever that might be.

Be blessed!

Off Grid Living

I took a hiatus from Facebook not too long ago. It wasn't because of boredom, or because I grew out of it... I wish I could mature beyond a need for human interaction, but I have yet to reach that pinnacle. I took the break because my feelings got hurt. And then they got hurt again. And again.... And after a sincere and tear filled conversation with my husband, I decided close my account and log off. At the time, I didn't care if I ever set my digital foot-print on that site again, I was that hurt. There were lots of reasons I left but at the crux it was my own emotional immaturity and my inability to accept that not everyone has to like me.

I share this rather embarrassing part of my history because I hear from women more mature than myself that this new age of living online has them soothing hurt feelings too. How can you not, on some level, have a stinging sense of exclusion when you are able to see inside the workings of someone else's life and you are very obviously left out? When everyone of your "other" friends is thanked and you are left out, when you read of a party you were not invited to, yet someone you think barely knows them is included? How on earth are we expected to react when we feel slighted, hurt and excluded?

For myself, this came to a head when I realized that I was neither reacting nor relating to the situation as a Christian. I realized I was looking to outside sources for validation, away from my heavenly Father, and right into the grasp of the enemy. I was turning to the world for validation, not separating myself from it as God so clearly instructs. I also realized that I needed to really, honestly - brutally - look deep within myself and determine if I was mature enough to handle the responsibility of being part of something like Facebook. Was it the venue, or was it me? Was I the one with the problem?

Regretfully, but thankfully for my sanity, I came to the conclusion that until I was able to resolve some other major issues with my heart (think bitterness, grudge-holding and self-riteousness), I needed to excuse myself from all social networking. It was a blessing... I began blogging instead, met some amazing folks, and resurrected a life-passion that had laid dormant for years. I know that God worked it together for His ultimate good, but man - did it hurt in the meantime! It meant that I had to look at parts of me that I distinctly despise and it meant being disciplined enough to really know myself and do the right thing for me. To not fold under the pressure, no matter how well meaning, of my friends who didn't want me to leave FB was very difficult. I wanted to stay, but I also knew until I dealt with my issues, it was a no-brainer... I needed to log out.

When I got down to it, who was I trying to please? Was it God that I had my sights set on, or was it something else altogether? Was I in His will with my obsessive compulsive behavior? Ahem...Definitely not. So in this age where we talk ourselves into this mantra of, "I deserve to be a part of this or that," I had to look myself squarely in the eye and say I was not mature enough to be on Facebook. I was looking for validation beyond God's desire for me and I was acting childishly to boot.

I wanted my "friends" to shun my offender and they did not. I wanted God to punish my offender, and He didn't appear to even blink... In fact, to make matters worse, it looked like my offender was being rewarded! In the year and a half that I removed myself I realized I had a choice. I could use the venue as a tool or I could seek out other means of entertainment and self promotion.

Ultimately I learned some valuable truths about myself and how I to interact on a social network to keep my heart safe and God happy.

1. I view only what comes into my News reel. I don't visit other people's pages unless they tell me they have something specifically for me to see. That keeps me reading only things they want me to see. I have relied on a something my Aunt has said over and over, "What other people think about me is none of my business." I always thought that was crap until it was explained in light of my own private thoughts. Would I want someone else to know that? uh... Absolutely not!
2. It is good to take a break from the constant bombardments. I have committed to my family to have one tech-free day a week. No phone, iPad or computer for a whole day. If we leave the ranch only one adult is to have a phone and only to be reachable in case of emergency. It keeps us sharper, more aware of the others around us and less likely to take each other for granted. And do you know what? We are all pretty funny individuals! My kids have amazing senses of humor and my husband is a rockstar! (Just sayin'...)
3. I think more about what I am saying when I post now. I try to realize that there are folks out there who struggle with exclusion and who have the same issues that caused me to log off. I try to be uplifting and not Debbie Downer. No one wants to read continuous posts about how crappy my day went. And when I just have to post about a disappointment, I try to find some sort of humor in it. After all, it's just a bad day, not a bad life!

I know it isn't cool to say this, but take time to put the gadgets down once in a while. Let peeps know how to get a hold of you in an emergency, but live some analog time out there with a cup of coffee and a good friend, face to face, smile to smile, laugh for laugh. You will be astonished by how amazing you feel afterward!

Be blessed!

Bring it on!

Ringing in the New Year... Sounds so official and elegant, like one could simply ring a bell and magically erase the previous year to start afresh. With the tolling we would wipe away the mistakes of our past annuals and be granted a consequence free new deal with which to begin again. Unsullied, pristine, unmarred by our selfishness and poor judgement. Oh, if only it were so!

Never gunna happen... But I can go back, take an honest poke at what I remember about last year (yes, I said what I remembered), and plant new, fresh, wonderful ideas firmly into the landscape of this coming year. Don't get me wrong, I am not a resolution type of gal. If I make a resolution, one thing is certain - I will promptly fail at keeping it, beat myself up for failing at it once again, and then eat something I shouldn't while washing it down with far too much wine. Ahem... Now that you know my stance on New Year's Resolutions, it should all be very clear.

No, what I am talking about (because I tend to explain waaay too much what I am NOT talking about), is this:

* I WILL write more out here in my lovely place. I know I said this last year too. And I actually did it. I wrote more than I did the year before. You may not have known it, because I don't post everything I write, but I did... really... Don't judge me. I will stop requiring myself to carve out time and I will simply make time. I will stop requiring a clean house, a perfect marriage, a groomed puppy and I will just plop my butt in my chair out here to write. I have to start thinking of this as less of a "treat" and more of an act of obedience. God didn't ask me to use this talent only when I had completed some chore list. He asked me to write...

* I WILL investigate more ways to publish my work. No matter how scary that is and how much I fear rejection, I will remember that God has not allowed one word He wanted out there to be rejected. In fact, everything I have submitted for publication, has been - in fact - published. Pretty freaking amazing!

* I WILL nurture the friendships I have while still pursuing others in the manner of a new kid at school. Being social is a skill, I refuse to allow it to wane with my waistline! I don't care if it causes my kids to walk in front of me three or four strides, I will stop the uniformed service-folk and thank them for their service to our country, I will talk to the cute babies and new mothers in line at the grocery and I will listen when God asks me to encourage someone I don't know. Those moments are golden and have always given me joy.

* I WILL trust that no matter what cliff looms, what imbecile is spouting cockamamie BS or what hay prices do, that God will care for my family as he does every sparrow I see pecking at seemingly nothing on my gravel driveway. If God is going to make sure those sparrows have a meal in their tiny little tummies, I know He has my back.

*I WILL continue my self-imposed moratorium on news channels, talking heads and grinning reporters of the macabre. Call me naive, but I believe that we are healthier when we don't know everything there is to know about the latest tragic killing of babies. I understand the need for compassion, but honestly, I don't have to know the gory details to wind up in a ball on the bathroom floor, too paralyzed with terror to walk out my front door.

* I WILL use social media as just that: a means to be social! I do not want to read about how incredibly frustrated you are politically, I don't want to see the latest burnt up puppy or half dead baby on a gurney. I want to know what you did last weekend that was fun, uplifting, changed your outlook on life in some way or maybe just where you had the best martini you ever tasted! I appreciate that you are impassioned about many things, but let's be wise about the over-share. And while those snarky pictures and sayings are great once in a while, can you please let us know you are still a human being who can actually type on a keyboard? Just sayin'.

* In general, in 2013 I WILL laugh more, hug more, invite the neighbors over more and attempt to look at my life through a lens less focused on me and more focused on what God might have to say about it. He was asleep in the bottom of the boat while the Sea of Galilee churned about violently and the disciples had to actually wake Him up! Think about that a moment... He really is trying to tell us that what we see around us doesn't have Him worried - Why are we? Trusting God with all I have is the hardest and yet most rewarding thing I can ever get better at. It is worthy of my time and then some.

Be blessed! It's gonna be a spectacular year! (Again...)

Do You See What He Sees?

I am a trouble maker. I am messy and fallen and all over the place emotionally. I am known to drop a cuss word, be mean-spirited, judgmental and vain. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister and I am a horrendous housekeeper. I am most of all a real life person.

I am a Christian.

I don't fit into the stark white, soft pillowed, hymns gently playing mold of Christian women I grew up thinking I should be. I am loud and I am colorful in bright hues of purple, orange and red. I am salty and spicy and full of things that are shocking and unwieldy. I embrace the youthful, loud and raucous. I enjoy singing off key at the top of my lungs, I dance exuberantly and let my kids see me cry.

I am a Christian.

I am not a Christ-follower because I am perfect, I am His because I am forgiven. I very rarely get it right. I am not His because I am worthy, or righteous or knowledgeable. It isn't about the things I do, it is about how much I love Jesus, how much I need Him, how much I desire to be His. I will never be perfected until I am seated with Him in Heaven. Until then, I will continue to live my life out loud, to shout out my joy and my angst, to dance in the streets and celebrate my freedom.

I am a Christian.

I will not ask you to follow me. I am not worthy of your adoration. I am just a person who loves knowing that God loves me more than anything in this world. Yup, He loves me best. He loves you best too... But I prefer to dwell on me. I will never be rid of my selfishness, though I try to keep it controlled. I refuse to hide my bruises, my scars and my ugliness because I know that if I did you might get the wrong idea. I want you to look at me in all of my brokenness and know that I am an example of how encompassing is God's love. He will not wait for me to wash, He will not leave if I am late. God loves me even before I love Him back. The truth is, if He can love me, He surely wants to love you too!