Simple Stuff

I know! It has been too long! (Reaches out and gives you that uncomfortable "pat-pat" hug.) I try desperately not to give apologies or false hope here. I won't tell you "real life got in the way" or that I have been very, very busy - All of which is true. I will tell you that this is still my happy spot and I miss you when I don't show up here. I have been out in Analog World doing Me.

Me? Well this chick is a mess! She does things like lays laminate floor and crochets sweaters, draws cell phone covers and decorates glassware. She has a card business and lots of creative ideas. She writes reams and then doesn't write at all. She's simple and she's complex and all of that inside a 30 nano-second time span. I won't pretend to know why I have been out of the blogosphere for the last two weeks, I only know that I have accomplished much, gotten some much needed chores done, reclaimed an entire room in my home, lost a dog and been dealing with an insurance company. It has been a little hectic... And yet, I have been happy. Well... As happy as I can be when I am not writing.

Writing is just so much of who I am. It is the essence of Me. When you do what you love it is as if you suddenly exist. When I neglect it - Well, I become shadow - bodiless mist, as it were. Don't feel sorry for me, I can be damned productive shadow-mist! But I still pine for that space in my head that feeds my writer-self. I miss it. And so... Here I am!

It hasn't been an easy week, but I am still here, all of my loved ones are safe and the hard decisions are made. It is in these weeks, when I rely on God most, that I become aware again of how important it is to say thank you for the simple things and take a moment to appreciate them fully. Here is my list:

• I love the smell of fresh ground, fresh brewed coffee, hot in my mug, the color of warm caramel.
• I love to see my dog stare at me. Such innocence and love, unconditional and unwavering.
• I love realizing that the cat who loves only my husband is sitting next to me and allowing me to absently stroke his incredibly soft head. I love that he pretends not to notice I am touching him and I love that I touch him without thinking about it.
• I love that if you leave honey and lemons in a mason jar long enough they ferment into a lovely addition to your Vodka.
• I adore text messages from my love. He gets me... Mostly.
• I love my bed and the sound of my fingernails on the keyboard. They remind me that I am doing what I love in the best spot in the house, surrounded by the things that I love and love me back.
• I love the smell of cut lumber.
• I love the feeling I get when I accomplish something I was afraid to start (Yes, laminate floor and cardigan sweater, I am talking about you!)
• I love remembering to write things down so I don't forget them later and then actually remembering where I wrote them so I have them at my disposal when the time comes...
• I love the feel of crisp, fresh paper
• I love knowing that all of my choices, good and misguided, make me who I am and no one can say they have done it exactly like I have.
• I love feeling my purple converse get wet from the slush because it means we have snow on the ground.
• I love knowing that no matter what I fear, God already knows how it turns out.
• I love the curls and waves in my hair that are so trendy right now and all I have to do is give it a spritz and I am done...
• I love being a sister.
• I love finding a bargain at the Goodwill at just the right moment and confirming that it was a really good deal!
• I love just being...

What are your simple things? Say thank you right now and count them out loud!

Be blessed!

Eyes Wide Shut

I know this post will raise some eyebrows. I know it isn't the most "intelligent" thing I could let you know about me. I think you already know that I don't much care what your perception is of me - Unless it muddies up my faith. But this doesn't have much to do with that. OK. Yes it does. A lot!

I do this thing... Well, hrmmmm..... Maybe it would be easier to explain if I told you I DON'T do this thing. Yeah. That is better - I don't watch much news. At all. Can't stand it. (Go ahead, insert your gasp here. I am ready for it.)

I don't know exactly what it is other than I know that it effects me in a negative way. As someone who suffers from clinical depression and someone who doesn't get along well with conventional treatment of such, I have become very guarded about what I allow myself to listen to, see and generally obsess about. Talking heads, reporters of the macabre - they all make me a little nauseous. The smiles, the limp, feigned sympathy, the horrific way they fail at being non-biased all leaves me barking at my television or snarking at my radio. My pulse elevates, my head clouds with anger and the hopelessness creeps in.

So I hear it... That far off chorus of voices that tell me if I don't know what is happening how will I "be the change I want to see?" What kind of heartless, selfish and self-centered individual am I if I won't watch the latest and greatest of the human atrocities? Don't I want to live an informed and intelligent life? All these things I have argued with myself come down to one simple and yet difficult conceptual answer. I have been tasked by my Heavenly Father to live a life exemplified by Christ. Yup. That's it. That's my answer.

See, I know there is unspeakable evil in this world. I understand that there is a moment in which I will be called to answer for the way I have lived and I also understand that that moment may come at any time, either by peaceful or violent means. I need neither to hear of another's violent passing nor evil deed to know that only I will be held accountable for my life. Knowing of the latest abduction and horrific details of captivity, watching footage of closed circuit cruelty and carnage, hearing panicked phone dialogs and screams of terror - none of that will change my responsibility when Christ comes calling me home.

Fact is, harsh but true - I cannot stop every bad act. I cannot save every dying animal. I cannot carry the sorrow of every murdered soul in my heart. I would become an ineffective lump on the bathroom floor, paralyzed with fear of what "might be." I can, however, live my life the way I want to be treated. I can teach my kids to be safe in an unsafe world. I can let them know that bad things happen and that they are responsible for their actions. I am tasked to model consequential living for them and I can pray.

"There but for the grace of God go I." Heard it before? Me too. Been around a long time. Know what it means? Only God's grace keeps me from dealing with issues and trials I see around me, and sometimes, God's omniscient grace lands me right smack in the middle of that self-same trial. To recognize that I am no more special than the man next to me, to realize that God graciously allows my family and myself to be largely healthy, wealthy and wise, that is the gift I receive on a daily. I won't get that kind of reassurance from a reporter. I won't read it online or in a paper. But it is there. His grace is always there, waiting for me to rest in it, partake of it, dole it out to others.

I understand if you still need to to tune into your news shows. I won't judge you for that. Just understand when you ask me about the latest shooting, I probably won't have much information. Don't get me wrong, I have my causes. I have things I am passionate about and I have my struggles with evil as well. The cacophony of too much information is just not how I deal with it. I pray. I ask for God's guidance, and I practice obedience to His will. I may never get airtime for it, but then I don't take a good picture anyway!

Be blessed.

Pinterest is evil and other truths about me...

Pinterest is evil. Not because of its electronic nature, or because of its content. No, it is evil because it steals my time in huge chunks. I have a few interests that I love to cruise for, but mostly, when I am waiting in line or bored or just plain ignoring my to-do list I saunter through its maze of wonders in search of "Snark" that relates to me.

It is also something that God calls me to. No, not posting wildly inappropriate e-cards. That isn't what I mean. Sharing parts of me that are imperfect, flawed, sinful and snarky - That process is important to me, and believe it or not, it is important to God. He wants me to take myself less seriously, He loves to hear me laugh and He wants us to know that no one - NO ONE - deserves a pedestal. Well... Except for His son. But you know what I mean, right?

The thing about exposing one's flaws to the world and then laughing about it is simple. Once they are out there, flapping in the wind like so much excess skin on a running Bassett hound, they are much less powerful to our inner psyche. Once you share with the world that you are not the picture of perfection that you think you are (and yes, you are the only one who thinks it looks perfect), that Voice that taunts you inside, it loses its power over you. You become a lantern beaming out the rays of God's all-accepting love through all those holes of imperfection.

Today, I am thanking God for my struggles, for my sins, for the problems that won't leave my side. Those things, are great teachers of God's patient love. They remind me that I need Him, that He loves me despite of my awful behavior and the murderous thoughts I think in the post office Que. The flaws I have poke holes in the desire of the Enemy to keep my light under a basket. When I shine them forth, I steal his power over me and I fly in the face of my own pride. It also takes me down off my own rickety pedestal and puts me among those that need to know the love of God on a much more personal level.

Take a little time today to poke some fun at yourself. After all, you have a few hours to sink into the Pinterest-time-continum, right?

Bring it on!

Ringing in the New Year... Sounds so official and elegant, like one could simply ring a bell and magically erase the previous year to start afresh. With the tolling we would wipe away the mistakes of our past annuals and be granted a consequence free new deal with which to begin again. Unsullied, pristine, unmarred by our selfishness and poor judgement. Oh, if only it were so!

Never gunna happen... But I can go back, take an honest poke at what I remember about last year (yes, I said what I remembered), and plant new, fresh, wonderful ideas firmly into the landscape of this coming year. Don't get me wrong, I am not a resolution type of gal. If I make a resolution, one thing is certain - I will promptly fail at keeping it, beat myself up for failing at it once again, and then eat something I shouldn't while washing it down with far too much wine. Ahem... Now that you know my stance on New Year's Resolutions, it should all be very clear.

No, what I am talking about (because I tend to explain waaay too much what I am NOT talking about), is this:

* I WILL write more out here in my lovely place. I know I said this last year too. And I actually did it. I wrote more than I did the year before. You may not have known it, because I don't post everything I write, but I did... really... Don't judge me. I will stop requiring myself to carve out time and I will simply make time. I will stop requiring a clean house, a perfect marriage, a groomed puppy and I will just plop my butt in my chair out here to write. I have to start thinking of this as less of a "treat" and more of an act of obedience. God didn't ask me to use this talent only when I had completed some chore list. He asked me to write...

* I WILL investigate more ways to publish my work. No matter how scary that is and how much I fear rejection, I will remember that God has not allowed one word He wanted out there to be rejected. In fact, everything I have submitted for publication, has been - in fact - published. Pretty freaking amazing!

* I WILL nurture the friendships I have while still pursuing others in the manner of a new kid at school. Being social is a skill, I refuse to allow it to wane with my waistline! I don't care if it causes my kids to walk in front of me three or four strides, I will stop the uniformed service-folk and thank them for their service to our country, I will talk to the cute babies and new mothers in line at the grocery and I will listen when God asks me to encourage someone I don't know. Those moments are golden and have always given me joy.

* I WILL trust that no matter what cliff looms, what imbecile is spouting cockamamie BS or what hay prices do, that God will care for my family as he does every sparrow I see pecking at seemingly nothing on my gravel driveway. If God is going to make sure those sparrows have a meal in their tiny little tummies, I know He has my back.

*I WILL continue my self-imposed moratorium on news channels, talking heads and grinning reporters of the macabre. Call me naive, but I believe that we are healthier when we don't know everything there is to know about the latest tragic killing of babies. I understand the need for compassion, but honestly, I don't have to know the gory details to wind up in a ball on the bathroom floor, too paralyzed with terror to walk out my front door.

* I WILL use social media as just that: a means to be social! I do not want to read about how incredibly frustrated you are politically, I don't want to see the latest burnt up puppy or half dead baby on a gurney. I want to know what you did last weekend that was fun, uplifting, changed your outlook on life in some way or maybe just where you had the best martini you ever tasted! I appreciate that you are impassioned about many things, but let's be wise about the over-share. And while those snarky pictures and sayings are great once in a while, can you please let us know you are still a human being who can actually type on a keyboard? Just sayin'.

* In general, in 2013 I WILL laugh more, hug more, invite the neighbors over more and attempt to look at my life through a lens less focused on me and more focused on what God might have to say about it. He was asleep in the bottom of the boat while the Sea of Galilee churned about violently and the disciples had to actually wake Him up! Think about that a moment... He really is trying to tell us that what we see around us doesn't have Him worried - Why are we? Trusting God with all I have is the hardest and yet most rewarding thing I can ever get better at. It is worthy of my time and then some.

Be blessed! It's gonna be a spectacular year! (Again...)

Do You See What He Sees?

I am a trouble maker. I am messy and fallen and all over the place emotionally. I am known to drop a cuss word, be mean-spirited, judgmental and vain. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter and a sister and I am a horrendous housekeeper. I am most of all a real life person.

I am a Christian.

I don't fit into the stark white, soft pillowed, hymns gently playing mold of Christian women I grew up thinking I should be. I am loud and I am colorful in bright hues of purple, orange and red. I am salty and spicy and full of things that are shocking and unwieldy. I embrace the youthful, loud and raucous. I enjoy singing off key at the top of my lungs, I dance exuberantly and let my kids see me cry.

I am a Christian.

I am not a Christ-follower because I am perfect, I am His because I am forgiven. I very rarely get it right. I am not His because I am worthy, or righteous or knowledgeable. It isn't about the things I do, it is about how much I love Jesus, how much I need Him, how much I desire to be His. I will never be perfected until I am seated with Him in Heaven. Until then, I will continue to live my life out loud, to shout out my joy and my angst, to dance in the streets and celebrate my freedom.

I am a Christian.

I will not ask you to follow me. I am not worthy of your adoration. I am just a person who loves knowing that God loves me more than anything in this world. Yup, He loves me best. He loves you best too... But I prefer to dwell on me. I will never be rid of my selfishness, though I try to keep it controlled. I refuse to hide my bruises, my scars and my ugliness because I know that if I did you might get the wrong idea. I want you to look at me in all of my brokenness and know that I am an example of how encompassing is God's love. He will not wait for me to wash, He will not leave if I am late. God loves me even before I love Him back. The truth is, if He can love me, He surely wants to love you too!