Where the rubber meets the road

As I tried to put on my "mom's-in-control-and-there's-nothing-to-worry-about face, as I drove as slow as I could force myself to drive, as I turned on the radio and sang along to keep my jangling nerves from showing, I knew it was one of those moments. One of the times I talk about that God speaks into my soul and I'm expected to listen...

It had been a long five days. My son had come down with influenza B and I had been doing the best I could to juggle work, caring for a sick teen and prepping the Man for a road trip in a few days that would last more than a week.

The Boy had been having terrible bouts of stomach cramps in the night time hours and I was fried. I don't function on interrupted sleep and three nights of it plus the stress of getting enough liquid into a surly teen was taking a huge toll. I have to admit, when he walked into my bedroom doubled over in pain I responded in frustration. There is nothing as irritating to me as feeling helpless and that was exactly how I felt: helpless.

Nothing I was doing was helping my son. Food didn't alleviate the pain, we didn't have any Pepto (which I know now was a good thing), and it seemed to be getting worse. After probing with some pretty invasive questions about his bathroom activity I decided to call a helpline. Something was definitely off.

If you've ever called a nurses helpline you know they can be incredibly compassionate and caring. This was no exception. The nurse I had even went the extra mile when my phone cut out twice not to drop the call. She made a point to call me back and continue getting the information.

If you've ever made one of those calls you might also be familiar with the tone of voice they take when they become concerned. It's a very sunny, I-don't-want-to-alarm-you-but-crap-just-got-scary distinctness I've heard only a few times in my life. It was time to head to the emergency room and she wanted to know if I was ok with doing that or if she should call 911 for me... Uh... Wow. There just isn't anything like that kind if reality slamming head on into your night.

No, I said, I can take him. When she began asking me to confirm that my Boy was coherent, that his speech wasn't slurred and that he could walk on his own power to the car I knew we were on a time crunch and that losing my cool was not an option. Luckily, that kid is made of some pretty strong stock and we made our way to the car and out onto the night time roads.

While I had a suspicion of what we were dealing with I also knew my child was counting on me to maintain a sense of security. He was watching my every move looking for any reason to be concerned.

Normally I'm a basket case when it comes to the safety of my "chillins". I'm overdramatic, volatile and protective in the extreme. Lots of eye-rolling tends to accompany my tirades and plenty of, "oh mom!" This night there was something different. I had a peace surrounding me. I knew we were at the edge of a dangerous place, potentially in some serious trouble but I also knew, just as sure as I was sitting in that seat, that Jesus was along for the ride.

You can call me crazy, over zealous, delusional - whatever you want. I really don't care. How I reacted, the quick way we made it to the hospital, all the professionals involved who looked and actually listened to us... He was there.

Even after two days in the hospital and the Boy on his way to recovery from a stomach bleed that still isn't quite pinned down, I'm confident that Christ is with us here. We have very few answers and not a lot of direction but my heart is full and my head is clear. We are in the palm of His hand always. No matter the situation He is there. I don't know what the next report holds but things look hopeful for us. It could've been so much worse but thankfully it wasn't.

We are not done here yet. It takes way more time and patience than I think it should for the simplest of tasks. But I'm doing my best to relax into it. No matter what my day consists of, no matter how interrupted my routines become, God is still at the helm. Trusting Him will always be challenging for me but looking back on this week I know He's not done proving He's worth it.

When I'm tempted to question what God is doing, when I think I just want to know what His ultimate plan is, I hope I can conjure up this memory of being held right in the palm of His hand, cradled, loved and protected.

Thanks go out to everyone who's prayed with us for a speedy recovery. We continue to covet those prayers as we await discharge, whenever that might be.

Be blessed!

Eyes Wide Shut

I know this post will raise some eyebrows. I know it isn't the most "intelligent" thing I could let you know about me. I think you already know that I don't much care what your perception is of me - Unless it muddies up my faith. But this doesn't have much to do with that. OK. Yes it does. A lot!

I do this thing... Well, hrmmmm..... Maybe it would be easier to explain if I told you I DON'T do this thing. Yeah. That is better - I don't watch much news. At all. Can't stand it. (Go ahead, insert your gasp here. I am ready for it.)

I don't know exactly what it is other than I know that it effects me in a negative way. As someone who suffers from clinical depression and someone who doesn't get along well with conventional treatment of such, I have become very guarded about what I allow myself to listen to, see and generally obsess about. Talking heads, reporters of the macabre - they all make me a little nauseous. The smiles, the limp, feigned sympathy, the horrific way they fail at being non-biased all leaves me barking at my television or snarking at my radio. My pulse elevates, my head clouds with anger and the hopelessness creeps in.

So I hear it... That far off chorus of voices that tell me if I don't know what is happening how will I "be the change I want to see?" What kind of heartless, selfish and self-centered individual am I if I won't watch the latest and greatest of the human atrocities? Don't I want to live an informed and intelligent life? All these things I have argued with myself come down to one simple and yet difficult conceptual answer. I have been tasked by my Heavenly Father to live a life exemplified by Christ. Yup. That's it. That's my answer.

See, I know there is unspeakable evil in this world. I understand that there is a moment in which I will be called to answer for the way I have lived and I also understand that that moment may come at any time, either by peaceful or violent means. I need neither to hear of another's violent passing nor evil deed to know that only I will be held accountable for my life. Knowing of the latest abduction and horrific details of captivity, watching footage of closed circuit cruelty and carnage, hearing panicked phone dialogs and screams of terror - none of that will change my responsibility when Christ comes calling me home.

Fact is, harsh but true - I cannot stop every bad act. I cannot save every dying animal. I cannot carry the sorrow of every murdered soul in my heart. I would become an ineffective lump on the bathroom floor, paralyzed with fear of what "might be." I can, however, live my life the way I want to be treated. I can teach my kids to be safe in an unsafe world. I can let them know that bad things happen and that they are responsible for their actions. I am tasked to model consequential living for them and I can pray.

"There but for the grace of God go I." Heard it before? Me too. Been around a long time. Know what it means? Only God's grace keeps me from dealing with issues and trials I see around me, and sometimes, God's omniscient grace lands me right smack in the middle of that self-same trial. To recognize that I am no more special than the man next to me, to realize that God graciously allows my family and myself to be largely healthy, wealthy and wise, that is the gift I receive on a daily. I won't get that kind of reassurance from a reporter. I won't read it online or in a paper. But it is there. His grace is always there, waiting for me to rest in it, partake of it, dole it out to others.

I understand if you still need to to tune into your news shows. I won't judge you for that. Just understand when you ask me about the latest shooting, I probably won't have much information. Don't get me wrong, I have my causes. I have things I am passionate about and I have my struggles with evil as well. The cacophony of too much information is just not how I deal with it. I pray. I ask for God's guidance, and I practice obedience to His will. I may never get airtime for it, but then I don't take a good picture anyway!

Be blessed.

Senseless

I used to take anti-depressants. I suffer from genetic based clinical depression arriving on stealthy waves of inscrutable darkness and hopelessness manifesting in uncontainable rage. Years ago I realized there was a problem when I noticed after I walked into my kids' nursery they flinched playing there on the floor. It was heartbreaking, both as a mother and as a Christian. I had to do something to get my rage under control. It was beyond my own ability to solve. I went to my doctor. I poured my aching heart out on the sterile floor. I got some little white pills and I slowly came to grips with what "normal" might feel like.

While I did begin to recognize my "normal," I realized I had lost most of what elation, joy and manic happiness felt like as well. I became numb. After two years and talking extensively with my loved ones, I decided to try life without the drugs again, with the understanding that if I became needlessly angry once more I would take the medicine without hesitation. I am not a normal case. I was able to do quite a few things to detox off of the drugs, flanked by the amazing patience of my husband and good friends. I was diligent about changing my diet and my lifestyle so that I could begin to find "normal" without the anti-depressant. For me, thankfully, it worked. It does not for most people and I am not an advocate for what I found worked for me as a blanket cure for others. If you are on medication, stay on it! Stop taking them only under the care and support of your doctor.

Having clarified that, the feeling of being without emotions... It was what drove me to want a different solution. I am a passionate person in extremes. I get passionately excited, passionately elated, passionately angry. I learned how to control my responses through counseling, diet and stress management. I realize that my clinical depression had to be mild for me to do these things. I also realize daily that keeping ahead of the darkness means that I have to be diligent in all of my approaches.

Today I am feeling the passions once more. I feel angry, heart broken and sickened by the loss of so much life at the hands of a deviant. There was a shooting at the midnight showing of Batman in Aurora, CO. Amidst the movie goers were small children, women, teens and men who's only desire for the night was to be mightily entertained. It is no wonder that when the gas filled canisters rolled into the theater so many describe feeling confused. Somehow this had to be a joke, a part of some movie promotion, an ill timed prank. It wasn't until the gunman opened fire that reality, never mind how surreal and terrifying, finally set in. This was not part of the movie, it was part of their life - lives that would never be the same.

Listening to the reports I realized, like myself,as a society, we have become desensitized. We look at canisters rolling down a theater aisle way and we no longer heed the "danger!" signal that should be coursing through our bodies. We assume that it must be a joke, a part of the unreality we view on television and in movies every day. We have become numb to the violence we see around us as if we could never be touched by it. Today, at least 12 families have been touched by it. There is life lost - young, productive and hopeful life that will never regain it's ability to sense hope again. Reports have said there are 13 deaths to contend with.

"Senseless" doesn't begin to describe how I feel on this tragic day-after. I am enraged, incensed, devastated, crushed and terrified. I have kids who desire to see life from a safe and wonder-filled vantage point. I have to keep reminding them that if something doesn't' feel right, heed their instinct. God gave it to them as a gift and a safety valve. They roll their eyes at me and hug me as they chuckle. How many Columbine students did the same thing that fateful morning? I weep at the thought.

As scared as I am, I realize that there is wisdom in my children's approach. We cannot hide in our padlocked, dead bolted, alarm-armed caves and never step into the light of God's creation, but we can be more diligent about our sensibilities. We can be on the look-out for the desensitizing of our kids, of ourselves, of our communities. We can step up for those being bullied, those unfairly discriminated against and we can heed our inner alarms when those instinctual warnings are screaming in our heads to run! We can be the change we want to see in the world.

We simply must not be "senseless."

Carelessness kills; complacency is murder. First pay attention to me, and then relax. Now you can take it easy - you're in good hands. (The Message, Proverbs 1:29-33)

I Won!

Wednesday afternoon was much like any other afternoon. I was working (when am I not?) and I was running errands and I was alarmingly happy. Weirdly happy. The MegaMillions drawing was that night... In my head I was at peace. My bills were paid, my children were set up for college and a successful start at life, my entire family was mortgage free, I had secretly gifted money to those in dire need... It was a very good day. I had a peace about me that I simply couldn't explain.

And then it hit me.

God hit me. I was walking around the corner of the show barn and in a voice, recognizable and as clear as a Jamaican sea, I heard, "That's peace, My Peace - that's how it feels. Now you have no more excuses, I want you to get there - without the money."

Craptastic.

Instantly I knew that there wasn't a chance in hell I would be winning any of that jackpot. (Not like getting struck by lightening twice on the same day would have happened either... Still) I knew that I had been given a gift that not even money could purchase. I had been given a taste of what living the peace-filled life was like. That was it. Peace that it was all taken care of, nothing left undone, everything accounted for - because it is.

When Christ becomes your center, when you truly give yourself over to Him and He is the rock on which you build your life, it's all taken care of. You can rest that He will care for you and provide for you and be everything you will ever need because you are His. His promise to never leave you nor forsake you (Deut 31:8), His promise to care for you as He cares for the birds of the air (Mat 26-34), they are all realities that we toss aside when we don't see it His way - and we rarely see it His way (Isa 55:8)...

"Awesome, Stacey. I am about to lose my house. I can't buy groceries or dog food. Should I just log in a prayer to God and He will magically provide all of these things?" Actually, yes, you should. Can you expect a check from the Almighty, address 1 Heavenly Ave., to fall from the sky into your bank account? Probably not. But when you open your mouth and profess your desperation to God, you just never know what the outcome will be.

The provision may not look like you think it should. You may indeed lose that house, but a friend may offer you shelter. You may open your door to a church fellow with a bag of groceries and food for your animals. Often our God uses others to do His work so that we can see that others care and that ultimately, God is indeed listening.

When you share the desperate need you have with fellow followers, those who "have" are required by God to step up and help provide for you. It isn't meant to be demeaning, although a good dose of humility is usually very helpful for our prideful hearts. Christian people often are just waiting to step up and be the super hero you need. Who are you to deprive them of their God given command? Don't turn them away because of your own pride. Don't look at God's gift of provision, whether it is a listening ear, a hug or physical goods, and turn up your nose because it isn't cold, hard cash. Accept that God's people are willing and obedient enough to do what others only talk about and provide as God has directed them to in ways only He can author.

"I worry that I am a burden to my friends, that somehow I will break them and they won't want to help me any more." FAT CHANCE! You know what? If I am called to minister to you, in any way God has asked, not only can't you break me but you better not step in my way. I am being obedient to God - not to you. I know that sounds harsh, but the fact is to get to me - to even be able to touch me - you have to get through Christ first. I know you can't break Him! So how on earth can you break me if I am doing His will? The answer is, you can't.

Joining God's community is a lot like winning the lotto. You exchange almost nothing for a ticket into a family of believers that has pledged to care for you as one of their own. God Himself has promised you that VIP kind of elevated status, sitting with His Son at a table full of bounty! You cannot be bankrupt by Satan any more. You belong to Christ and His gated community. You are safe in His hands.

So I didn't win the MegaMillions. That's ok. I won so much more! I was given a palpable example of what God's MegaMillions is - PEACE. I now have a daunting task ahead of me: I need to learn to capture that peace no matter what the world is doing around me. See the world would like you to think that only money can give you security, peace and happiness. It is a lie. True peace is unshakeable. True peace cannot be spent away. True peace is available to you, even if you didn't have the buck to buy a ticket, because it is free. All you have to do is open your hand and receive it.

Let me be very clear about what God's lotto is NOT. It is not getting everything you want, your way, every time. It is not fancy cars, big houses and perfect health because you have faith. It is not a life without pain, trials and stormy seas. Even Christ is crystal clear on this: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33 NIV) He promises that we will have trouble, but He also says we can rest in the fact that nothing has defeated Him. He cannot be defeated except by His own choice, and he already chose you!

Take a deep breath today. Live this hour as if you had won the MegaMillions and everything you ever wanted was right around the corner. When you get a good taste of what that feels like, savor it. That is the peace God wants you to hang your hat on, only without the cash. Trust that God will provide your every need, no matter how overwhelming or how minute, and that He will walk with you every step of the way, because that is exactly what He is doing!