On Floating (Wherein All Feet Are NOT Firmly On the Ground)

I feel lighter today. I can't always explain it when this sensation hits me, but it is one of absolute freedom. The picture says it all... At one point in a horse's stride, there are no feet on the ground, everything is airborne and they float, if only for a moment. I am in that instant in time today and it is glorious!

I do too much. It is no one's fault but my own and I am coming to grips with it, day by middle-aged day. I realize that if I am to do the things God is asking of me, I have got to let go of the things He has not called me to. I have to allow myself the freedom to say, "Someone else will do this better." It is excruciating for me to admit. It is a hallmark of mine to do LOTS of stuff... I admit I have been doing much of it for all the wrong reasons. I have craved accolade, acceptance and awards. The irony is, I can never gain those things because I am horribly overbooked and the end result suffers for it! Nothing gets done well when I try to do everything...

I am reluctantly trusting that God is at the root of my next steps. It hasn't been easy. I am still struggling with the desire to take it all back and say, "It's ok... I'll do it. It really isn't as bad as I thought..." Why do I do that? Is it shame at feeling like I failed? Is it pride that I think no one can really do my job as good as I can? Is it the insanity of exhaustion? Or is it the Enemy hoping I will stay mired in my routines and not step out to do the things that God is asking of me? I shudder to think I will succumb to any of it, for any reason.

The difficulty lies in asking another for help, primarily because I am ashamed at the mess I have created. I have procrastinated and delayed and done a half-assed job. Now things are in a shambles and I need help to clean it up. To allow someone into my mess, even if it is only a perception of mess, is to admit that I am a failure. It is almost unbearable. In my denial, not long ago I caught myself lecturing a friend on their inability to allow others to help them... Hmmm. I had to step aside to dodge the lightening bolt. I will call that an epiphany!

When I cannot possibly see another way out, I can't let my "but" get in the way. If I look up and then look around, I may just find someone in the vicinity with their hand up hoping I will pick them to be on my team. I can't be so prideful to think only I can handle it, only I should be involved, it is my mess and no one should have to deal with it but me. The Enemy wants me to think that way. He's desperately hoping I won't ask for help. After all, it is so much easier to defeat just one weakened Christian than a team of them working together for the glory of God!

Take a moment, look up, then look around. Is there someone who wants to help you in your trial? Who are you to deny them their gift to you? After all, that gift is coming directly from the hands of God who wants more for you! Let go, get light and float right into His purpose for your life!

Photograph courtesy of the talented Eli Paulsen. Contact me for more information on her work.

A Little Ditty About Advice (wherein her "but" is exposed)

You're listening, you swear you are. The person in front of you is dispensing some well thought out advice and you are hearing them talk to you. At least you think you are. In between assimilating what they are saying and constructing the awesome response you will give as soon as they take a breath, that is. They are looking expectantly at you now, you almost missed the opportunity! Here it comes... The wind up... And the pitch!

"Yeah, but..." Fizzle, spark, GAH! Seriously? Did I just say that? Did I really just say in those two little words, "I am not listening to you because I already have all my excuses listed out in my own head, and although it may have sounded like I wanted your advice, I just wanted you to sit here and pat my hand while I griped about my circumstances." Uh, yeah, Stace, I think you did. Well doesn't that just suck!

Been there done that, have ya? Welcome to my world. It's a quandary. I am catching myself doing it less these days, but I guess that has a lot to do with my current surroundings. Maybe my current surroundings have more to do with this habit? Now ain't that a chicken and egg scenario. Harumph. But what do I do about it? How do I get past the "yeah, but" stage and into a more positive, less whiny, less self-serving outlook on my own life?

First, I think I have to take a good look at my motivation for sitting in front of the advisor in the first place. Sometimes, we simply want to talk, us women do... We want to kvetch about our issues and get a little girl time in there. We want to gripe about our husbands, our kids, our jobs, etc. That's what we do. So much so that our male counterparts think it is all we do when we get together. We like to call it "venting." (Call it venting, men - Do yourselves a favor!)

There are other times that we simply want to know if we are alone. We want to put out there our circumstance and have the listener say to us, "Oh, Honey! I know exactly what you are talking about!" To come together with a woman-friend who truly can relate to our own frustrations is comforting and confidence building. We think we are all alone in our trials, and that isolation can be a dangerous thing, so coming together with a trusty confidante is our attempt to make sure we aren't one step away from the looney bin.

Not often, but there are times, I really want an answer to the questions I put out there. I want advice, and I want it now! I may be exhausted, I may be confused, I may be hoping I missed something. So why then does my response seem to be one of such dismissal? It may be a case of simple vernacular. I could be so overwhelmed I cannot find the right words to say to you, "That is an interesting thought. I have touched on it before and this concern has always pushed me away. Do you have a way around that?" Ahem... Why are you shaking your head? You don't buy it? Yeah, neither do I!

The thing is, when I say, "Yeah, but..." It is a definite give away that I didn't really want advice or a solution in the first place. I either wanted a confidant, a Yes-woman or an accomplice. My motivation wasn't to get the problem solved, it was to have my problem validated. Unfortunately, my would-be advisor is now frustrated with me because they thought out a response, tried to deliver to me a solution, and I outright rejected it because I wasn't clear as to what I needed from the interaction.

I have a friend and part time business advisor who is great at watching my face when I am venting to her. She sits and listens quietly, waits until I look at her expectantly and then asks a very pointed question. "Do you want advice on this, or am I just being Friend-Kelly?" It makes me take a serious look at what I am saying, how I am acting and what my response might be should she pony up a well thought out response. It gives me a moment to assess my own needs and my own solutions as well. There have even been moments when after a split-second of silence, we have both broken out in laughter. Because we are such long time friends, I can even preface a conversation with, "I don't need a solution to this, I am just in need of someone to gripe to," and she is prepared with the appropriate response before I ever utter one word.

The next time you're deep in conversation with someone, whether you are in the advisor role or the one who is pitching a b----, and those two little words are tempted to come out of your mouth or you hear them uttered and want to get a little miffed, think about what you really want out of the situation. And try not to let your "Yeah, but" out of the bag unnecessarily. Compassion and understanding go a long way to building relationships that matter and when we are too busy formulating a response to the people we interact with, we miss some amazing opportunities to grow ourselves into invaluable friends.

It never hurts to ask, "Do you want me to give you advice or just listen?" That kind of response shows that you are involved and willing to put more of yourself out there if desired. It also shows that you are willing to put aside your need to be the superhero and listen when that is all someone wants. It is a harder role to take, for sure, but if a response on the advice level isn't desired, it won't be received well anyway. You will get the "yeah, but," and no one needs that!

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And as for those of you who thought you'd see my butt... Shame on you! (giggle)