Plucking Out Burrs

November... It's that thankful month. The month that I don't always feel particularly thankful. In fact, it's a month that instills a certain level of panic in me most years because it is the month that I realize just how behind schedule I am. It is the month that from the first I keep telling myself that I have thirty days before I have to think about Christmas... Then November 27th hits and I realize that I am woefully behind the eight ball, staring down December and feeling anything but thankful.

It was in this state that I walked into my studio this morning. I prayed on the chilly trek out here that God would give me something to say. Something that had meaning and purpose. I prayed that God would reveal in me another burr to pluck out and heal with His love. I sat... And I sat... Nothing. I reached for my first devotional and He spoke from the pages about Thankfulness. I glossed over it. I reached for my second devotional and He spoke to me about His purpose for me and His love. I couldn't make the words apply to me. I tried a few posts of my own from journals... Flat. And then I went back and re-read the pages He gave me.

"A life of praise and thankfulness becomes a life filled with miracles. Instead of trying to be in control, you focus on Me and what I am doing." Ok... You have my attention now, Lord. A life filled with miracles? Really? And the relinquishing of control... Well, lets face it. I never had it anyway. God is in control - Has been since the beginning of time. What I want, what I think I need - It isn't going to come to pass unless it lines up with what God wants.

Then there was my second little book... "Long before you began seeking Me, I had designs on you for glorious living." The verse that accompanies it, "It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for." Eph 1:11 (Msg)

So now, now that my attention is fully engaged, I begin to realize that God is speaking to my heart about my lack of thanksgiving. Without a heart that is focused on how amazing God is and without being incredibly thankful for His love, I cannot become His instrument, living a glorious life. I won't realize my potential in who I am and what my purpose is. To become His, living gloriously and fulfilled by the purpose I was created for, I have to hit my knees and cry out to Him all of the things I am thankful for.

My job is not to be the best financial planner a barn has ever seen. My job is not to live a life of controlled madness, pinching pennies and fretting over delinquent accounts. My job is to open my hands and my heart to see with clarity the things that God has handed my family. They may not be items I can put actual hands on, but God is always providing. A heart filled with thanksgiving is not preoccupied with where the next meal is coming from. A heart filled with thanksgiving lives each moment thanking the Lord for what is before it, right now at this instant in time.

While the holiday of Thanksgiving may be over for another year, I am reminded that we as Christians are called to live it out daily. Thank God for waking you up this morning. Thank Him for what He is doing in your life and for having designs on you for glorious living. He is the ultimate deliverer! Trust Him to deliver you a life that witnesses, no - better yet: is filled with miracles...

Be blessed!

Giving Thanks

He kinda looks like a turkey...

It's that time of year again... That crazy, stress filled, I-have-no-idea-what-to-get-so-and-so, broke, messed up emotional time of year. The Holidays. (yay..) No one can deny that for some it is a holocaust of emotional baggage and unrealistic expectations. Somehow we think these days in November and December carry with them magical insulation from the day to day crap that hounds us the other ten months of the year. Every year we are shocked that it doesn't.

It is in this spirit that I want to bring a bit of clarity, levity and reality to my world this month and next. I want to be reminded that I have it soooo good! I want more than "stuff" to take center stage... I want gratitude.

*I am not going to participate in Black Friday. I don't know who thought calling it that was a good idea... It conjures up a chaotic and horrific image in my mind. The only thing more frightening is that famous bridal sale in a basement somewhere in New York... (shudders) Besides - any other thing we label with "Black" isn't a good thing: Black Beard, Black Hole of Calcutta, Black ice, Blacklist, blackened salmon... So until they rename it Lilac Friday, I will not be stepping out to shop!

*I will think on the things that I am eternally thankful for. I will remember that I have a healthy family, animals that love me, a husband that both works and plays with me, friends that think I am funny (yes, you do!), and a home in which to wallow (because I am fairly sure, by its current state, that we are pigs, not people).

*I will remember those that have gone before me and beside me to insure that I am free and able to eat, drink and be merry while they grab a quick snack of potted meat and crackers in a dusty tent somewhere. I will not complain that I have to work on that day because someone else has actually given his or her life that I can freely do so. If you don't want to work on Thanksgiving, you can always quit... I hear the job market is a veritable carnival of plenty! (Rolls eyes... Yeah, that's what I thought!)

*I will pray for our President. (Not joking. If anyone needs prayers it is the leader of our great nation!)

*I will miss my husband dearly tomorrow, but not allow it to sound in my voice so that he is reminded that I love him more than any other human on the planet. I will pray for God to show him successes measured not by trophies or monetary gain, but by holy influence and hearts touched. I too will strive to mirror that love and jubilation. After all, not everyone gets to do what they were designed to do. Someone has to be a Walmart Greeter...

During these months of craziness, when so much can be twisted around and focused on ourselves, I will remember that I am blessed beyond measure. I will be thankful that I am rich in Christ's love. I will hug my kids tighter, kiss my husband deeper and open more wine with my friends! Because now, more than ever, IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!

Nursing old wounds

Every now and again I am reminded. I hear The Voice, or I see a familiar face and I am reminded. Sometimes I will catch a glimpse of a sideways look and I am reminded. I am reminded that I am imperfect, unkind, unworthy and sinful. It's instantly accusing. It's immediately convicting. It's crippling to any joy I might be experiencing and it robs my confidence in one felled swoop.

While I am grateful to be reminded that everyone is fallen, everyone needs Christ's grace and love, I must remember that my past does not control or define me. I have been freed and forgiven. I walk forward, looking ahead and upward for guidance, not behind as if chased by demons of the past. I can never shake the consequences of my previous choices, but I can learn from them. I can use them to look upon others with grace and understanding. I can and will share my mistakes with those who desperately crave the knowledge that Christ isn't waiting for them to be "good enough."

My mistakes have shaped me, but they don't continue to describe me. My Bad Girl doesn't get to rule my heart and mind, but she's a valuable asset to lead lost hearts to be found. I refuse to pretend that she isn't there, just below the surface. No one is picture perfect, least of all me.

I am learning to measure my wounds of the past against what they can do for my future. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." (Romans 3:23, 24 NIV) Be comforted that Christ refused the sterile life and placed himself instead in the midst of prostitutes, liars, thieves and tax collectors. It is the broken that need Him most - And Friend, we are all broken!

Safe, Warm, and Uncomfortable...

It hasn't significantly snowed here yet. It hasn't rained either. It has been a balmy 70 some degrees on a regular basis since the little tiny cold snap we had in the first weeks of October. While some have been lauding the wonderful weather and sunshiny extension of summer-like weather there has been a feeling of dread creeping up my spine and settling into my heart. We need moisture. We need rain. We need snow. It is imperative that somewhere, something breaks loose for the mid section of our country and we get precipitation to end this drought. In short, we need cold, wet, snow, rain - we need discomfort.

So too in my daily life. I need discomfort. I need the days filled with strife, angst, hardship, challenges, and busyness to move me forward into a life of bounty and fruitful existence. Yes, I know how dangerous that last statement is. Fully aware of the tongue-in-cheek saying among Christians: "Never pray for patience. God will deliver all manner of frustrating circumstances to teach you just how to be patient!" But the thing is, if I don't tell the Lord I am ready, that I understand that I need these challenges, it doesn't mean He won't deliver them anyway. It simply means that I will stick my head in the sand. It means I will be disobedient to His will. It means I will wander off the path in search of comfort, instead of staying by His side to witness greatness.

I accept that I need to be uncomfortable. I accept the discomfort as part of a necessary process in which my God moves me from barrenness to fruitful bounty. I open my hands to the gift the Lord desires to place in them, whether it looks like snow, mud, rain, dust or nothing at all. I accept that He alone knows what I need, when I need it.

I open my heart, Lord, to the willingness to be led and ask You to quell my desire to lead. I pray You will deliver joy into my heart when things are tough, cold, wet, uncomfortable... Remind me that there was One who endured horrors and pain unimaginable so that I might live. My discomfort pales in comparison. Remind me anyway. When life is hard, when circumstances seem insurmountable, when I am tempted to use my own flawed scale of fair and unjust, remind me.

Lean into the discomfort today and be reminded that God uses our pain to teach and grow us into the likeness of His Son. It is never wasted...

Be blessed.

Have You Been "Wrecked"?

I don't do endorsements often. I am an eclectic reader, my music - well we know how weird that is... I am aware that like Paul said, "all things are permissible, not all things are beneficial" and I would be horrified to cause someone else to stumble. So I keep most of those choices to myself.

I do believe in exceptions to almost every rule, however, and Wrecked fits the bill. I talked about it here. And to make it even more an exception I signed up to blog about it for the author, Jeff Goins. If you haven't guessed, I would highly recommend giving it a read! If you need a push, check out Jeff's answers to some basic questions about "Wrecked" and what it may do for you.

ME: As Christians, we all know that dealing with discouragement is a daily endeavor. We seem to think that the other guy has it easier, makes less mistakes and has better coping skills than we do. What is something that you deal with regularly that can discourage you if not dealt with properly?

JEFF: Insecurity. I rarely think much of myself — that I'm talented enough, smart enough, good looking enough, and so on. Despite what I achieve, it never seems to be enough. If I don't nip this in the bud — or more often than not, if my wife doesn't — this insecurity can consume me and paralyze me.

ME: What is a source of encouragement to you that might not look like encouragement to someone else - or what is the most unusual way you found yourself being encouraged?

JEFF: I think you alluded to it above. When I hear successful people having the same struggles that I do, I don't feel so weird. I am rarely encouraged by people who have it all together, who never seem to struggle. I can't relate to that.

ME: In "Wrecked" you speak at length about that gnawing feeling of wanting to do more, be more, give more. You also touched on the fact that not everyone experiences this is an over seas missionary. Can you please explain to those who haven't purchased "Wrecked" (yet) what it means to be wrecked and what are some examples in your own daily life that have caused you to be "wrecked"?

JEFF: To be wrecked is to be disabused of the status quo, to live a life that is about more than you. Ultimately, it's about intentionally stepping into discomfort, because that's where we grow. It's about laying down your life for others, because that's where we find our greatest desires being met.
I believe we should do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing, but I also believe this is the most fulfilling way to live — when you focus on others and their needs.
As for my own life, I'm wrecked by everything from a trip to the developing world to the discomfort of a baby crying in the middle of the night. For me, it's not about making one experience more amazing than the next; it's about where we grow. And for me, that's always the place I don't want to go: the place of greatest discomfort.
Wrecked is about stepping into those situations, ready to be changed.

ME: Your book gave me a set of definitions to wrap my head around. I knew I had been wrecked months earlier but I didn't have a way to verbalize it to others. It was an awakening and I realized there had to be more to who I was. Explaining it has been challenging. Can you clarify: Is being wrecked akin to a midlife crisis, or is it something else entirely?

JEFF: Something else, entirely. A midlife crisis is debilitating — it's what happens when you defer your adolescence and it catches up with you. Being wrecked is empowering, when rightly considered. It's a vision of a life that is about more than you. Sure, it can turn your world upside down, but if you embrace the change this paradigm shift offers, it can change everything in your life — for better.

ME: Once I experienced the holy wrecking of my life, I knew in my heart there was just no going back. Something deep inside me had changed, although my outsides looked completely normal. I wasn't singed around the edges with tendrils of smoke wafting about, so it was difficult to keep myself accountable to the commitment I had made. Who and/or what keeps you living the wrecked life?

JEFF: My family. They remind me that my story is not about me. And when I make it about me, they remind me I'm living a smaller one than I'm meant to.

So there it is, folks! You can pick up a copy of Wrecked here (electronically or analog) and start living a life wrecked in the best way possible!

Wherein She Admits Things...

Photo courtesy of Quincy Brown, my daughter

It's been a while... Wish I could tell you it was because I found fame and fortune, or that I was immersed in the amazing loveliness of analog time with family and friends. It isn't. I've been angry. Specifically, I have been angry with God. I feel as though He took me by the hand, led me down a path and then when I bent to tie my shoe, I looked up and He was gone. I called and called and got no answer... Well, ok... That part isn't completely true. I got an answer, I just didn't like it. At all. It pissed me off in fact. And so, until I was ready to receive His instruction, God stripped me of my words.

For a writer to be void of the ability to write, well - that's a big deal! It didn't hit me until recently that that was what had even happened. I had talked myself into being very busy. Even today, when the overwhelming urge to write assailed me I almost pushed it aside, so unfamiliar was the sensation. I almost talked myself into the chores that need done for my son's birthday celebration. I almost unloaded the dishwasher instead. I almost immersed myself in the internet and Facebook and blogs of other colors... Almost.

Choices have consequences. I cracked open the door to my studio this morning to find that because of my anger and my neglect I have been unaware that the infrared heater had quit working. It is a chilly 20-something degrees inside. I have a little unit that I am trying to use, but so far I can still see clouds of steamy breath in the frigid air.

Because of my pride and my anger I am wrapped in a blanket and stuck wishing I had grabbed more than just one heater because this one ain't cutting it. And then it clobbers me. This is what it feels like to be cut off from God. Cold, lonely, desperate and cloaked in the slow dawning realization that I cannot stay warm by my own measure. Fixing this issue that has me so twisted and seeking my own solutions is not going to work on my own. I have to turn back to Him. I have to listen. I need to desire less my own way and desire more God's promise to provide what I need, when I need it. I have also realized I don't determine what I need, He does. It is here I am tempted to stumble again.

I think I know what I need. I don't. I know only what I want. Because the thing about needs is they are so basic, we tend to ignore them once they are fulfilled. We then move on to what we desire, what we want, what we covet... And therein lies the sin.

When I focus on what I want, what I say I deserve, I am lost. Mired in my own pride and believing my own self-sufficiency is enough, I cannot be blessed by the Lord to receive what He has for me. What I need is not comfort, or respect, or appreciation. What I need to is to have value in God's eyes. When I lose that, I lose - Period. Man will fail me every time. God will not. Time to look up and refocus.

See, God never let go of me. God didn't drop my hand to run off down bunny trails, I did. I quit listening to His quiet voice and I focused on things I thought would make me happy. I stopped to tie my shoes and I quit trusting Him. I relied on what I knew, instead of what I know of Him. I wandered off pretending that I was calling in the wilderness for His direction, when what I was really doing was making enough noise to not hear His answer. Time to take my fingers outta my ears and turn back from this bramble filled path. I look back to the clearing I left weeks ago and there He stands, waiting for me to rejoin Him, hand outstretched and patiently waiting for my grasp.

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deut 31:8

Of Doors and Windows (Where In She Is Reminded)

The studio is chilly today. I have the heat going and I have a project I am working on, but the chill in my feet isn't leaving. This lovely little shack I have out here, roughly 150 feet from my home, is gloriously equipped with large windows. They are great for letting in light and keeping me inspired with their views, but they are not efficient holders-in of the heat. It's a trade off. I prefer the light...

Windows and doors have been swimming around my brain lately. God has been providing inspirational quotes and concepts about them. It is the start of how He gets my attention, bombarding me with something until I relent and listen closely. I think we all know about the one that goes, "When God closes a door, He will open a window instead." Tim Tebow just posted about giving thanks in the hallway when God isn't opening doors. Someone recently reminded me that your eyes are the window to your soul. So when I sat down today to write out my thoughts I had an entirely different approach in mind.

I had intended to write about how we manage our attitudes when God closes the doors on our desires or our plans. I had intended to wax philosophical on making sure we accept His guidance and blah, blah, blah. I even started the post. Yeah... Ahem. Like most things I try to handle myself, God had a different plan. To put it bluntly, my head is still stinging from the slap I got.

God chose my topic today. It isn't an easy one. It is hard. Really hard. His lesson to me today (a lesson I desperately need) is about windows. See, doors are easy. Doors are definite, cut and dried: they are either open or they are shut. They are either unlocked and accessible, or they are locked and entry beyond barred. Doors do not involve my heart condition. I can rail at the fact that I cannot gain access... But I either walk away or stand in a hallway, safely excluded from whatever lay behind the portal.

Windows are a whole 'nuther ball of wax. Windows allow me to see what is on the other side. Windows can be full of temptations and selfish desire. Windows can deceive me into thinking that but for one latch or a quick handle-crank, I could have what is on the other side. Windows make me choose. I either choose to be obedient, or I choose to desire that which God says I cannot have.

Anyone who has lived in Colorado can tell you windows can weave a tale that will leave you shivering. With 300+ days of sunshine a year, often looking out at the crystal blue skies and majestic evergreens will fool you into thinking that you could leave your jacket, even your parka, behind. It is never wise to rely on what you see. Instead, checking the temperature gauge will tell you that that sunshine is harboring a hostile 20-something degree day. Don't fall for it! Put on your coat, or stay safely inside.

God is my gauge today. I have windows tempting me these days. Windows that have promising views - things that look really good from where I am sitting in the cozy safety of my Christ relationship. The gauge is saying different. I keep looking out those windows and think maybe the gauge is off. Maybe it would be ok to just poke my head out that window and take a look-see. I have tried the door. It is still shut tight. But that window beckons...

Before I reach out and let in all the chill of our fall weather, before I allow in things that God does not intend me to have, before I disobey His kindest desire for me - before I do that, I hesitate. His voice speaks to my heart and reminds me of all the things I have seen in those windows. He asks me to recall the times I have not resisted and the pain I was caused. And He reminds me of the times I trusted Him. The times He Himself handed me more than I could have thought to desire. Much more than the window had promised to me...

Praise God, He doesn't speak to me in riddles. Praise to Him that desires me to be His tool, used by His purpose, fed by His plan. I can turn away from the windows, buckle down in my efforts and reapply myself to my time behind the closed door. I will let the window bring me light. I will acknowledge that it is there. But until the door is swung wide and I am released into the safe warm air, I will stay put, admiring the view only for what it is. Potential unrealized, until He says it is time.

Be blessed, admire the view, but enter only by the open door... Peace to you.