Monday, August 13, 2012

Undone




Someday I will learn. Apparently, that day is not today. Apparently, today I am learning other lessons. Lessons like surrender, trust, patience, self-care. In my great big hurry to have impact, punch and significance, I am reduced to laying flat on my back. I am impacting only my mattress, punching my frustrated fists into thin air and feeling vastly insignificant.

It does nothing for ones ego when trying to "press on" leaves your best friend telling you, "You look like s*@#! Go to bed already!" That is not the tally-ho I expect to hear, although it is precisely what I need to hear. I need to hear that my half-measure is not good enough, my limping ego is not effective, my job not so critical that I should waste my last drop of energy on it this second.

I know what happened now. I can see it plain as day. I relaxed... I allowed my body that little hint of let down. But instead of a slow dawning of relief, it swung the door wide and plowed me over like so many brides in a discount bridal store basement. The thing is, I never should have been standing in the doorway to start with. I don't quite recall exactly how I got there, although I am sure it was filled with good intentions. There was a job to do, a need to be met and I figured I was available, so... After forty-some years of trying to be everyone's everything I am figuring out that I am not very good at it. Go figure!

Irony, you are a harsh little wench! You would be the one chuckling in the background as I lay here reading about being "wrecked" and tackling the fears of my true "quest." I can hear you asking me if I feel "wrecked" enough, if I have climbed any trees lately... I envision you rolling about on the ground, holding your belly as you guffaw openly at my silliness. It's ok. I too can laugh at my trading one set of worries for another.

The deal is, I will leave my imprint regardless of how I look today because I will persevere. I will keep at the dream that increases in its looming terror because I possess resolve. I want this more than I want anything else. I will not be denied my heart's desire or forego my obedience to God. I will relish the learning curve, the lessons I am given and I will use them to defeat sloth and stagnation, fear and worry. I am trading my broken self for a vessel filled to the brim. For when I am weak, He is my strength.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:9