Friday, October 26, 2012

Wherein She Admits Things...

Photo courtesy of Quincy Brown, my daughter

It's been a while... Wish I could tell you it was because I found fame and fortune, or that I was immersed in the amazing loveliness of analog time with family and friends. It isn't. I've been angry. Specifically, I have been angry with God. I feel as though He took me by the hand, led me down a path and then when I bent to tie my shoe, I looked up and He was gone. I called and called and got no answer... Well, ok... That part isn't completely true. I got an answer, I just didn't like it. At all. It pissed me off in fact. And so, until I was ready to receive His instruction, God stripped me of my words.

For a writer to be void of the ability to write, well - that's a big deal! It didn't hit me until recently that that was what had even happened. I had talked myself into being very busy. Even today, when the overwhelming urge to write assailed me I almost pushed it aside, so unfamiliar was the sensation. I almost talked myself into the chores that need done for my son's birthday celebration. I almost unloaded the dishwasher instead. I almost immersed myself in the internet and Facebook and blogs of other colors... Almost.

Choices have consequences. I cracked open the door to my studio this morning to find that because of my anger and my neglect I have been unaware that the infrared heater had quit working. It is a chilly 20-something degrees inside. I have a little unit that I am trying to use, but so far I can still see clouds of steamy breath in the frigid air.

Because of my pride and my anger I am wrapped in a blanket and stuck wishing I had grabbed more than just one heater because this one ain't cutting it. And then it clobbers me. This is what it feels like to be cut off from God. Cold, lonely, desperate and cloaked in the slow dawning realization that I cannot stay warm by my own measure. Fixing this issue that has me so twisted and seeking my own solutions is not going to work on my own. I have to turn back to Him. I have to listen. I need to desire less my own way and desire more God's promise to provide what I need, when I need it. I have also realized I don't determine what I need, He does. It is here I am tempted to stumble again.

I think I know what I need. I don't. I know only what I want. Because the thing about needs is they are so basic, we tend to ignore them once they are fulfilled. We then move on to what we desire, what we want, what we covet... And therein lies the sin.

When I focus on what I want, what I say I deserve, I am lost. Mired in my own pride and believing my own self-sufficiency is enough, I cannot be blessed by the Lord to receive what He has for me. What I need is not comfort, or respect, or appreciation. What I need to is to have value in God's eyes. When I lose that, I lose - Period. Man will fail me every time. God will not. Time to look up and refocus.

See, God never let go of me. God didn't drop my hand to run off down bunny trails, I did. I quit listening to His quiet voice and I focused on things I thought would make me happy. I stopped to tie my shoes and I quit trusting Him. I relied on what I knew, instead of what I know of Him. I wandered off pretending that I was calling in the wilderness for His direction, when what I was really doing was making enough noise to not hear His answer. Time to take my fingers outta my ears and turn back from this bramble filled path. I look back to the clearing I left weeks ago and there He stands, waiting for me to rejoin Him, hand outstretched and patiently waiting for my grasp.

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deut 31:8