It Isn't Fair...

Photo Credit: Morgan Nati

He stood there, amazed. Slack jawed and more than a little irritated; he was fuming! After a long day's work in the fields he was returning to bedlam. Where was his father? The revelers were dancing and playing instruments, the smell of roasted meat filled his nostrils and not far away a familiar but heartbreaking sound of a man's voice filled his ears. He pushed his way past the partiers, to find his brother seated with his father. Laughing and feasting he was wearing one of Father's finest robes over tattered rags and as his hand reached for another chunk of succulent meat he caught a glimpse of the ring as it shone in the firelight. A ring? The robe? Really? Fury began to build in his gut, fiery and acid with the taste of betrayal. As his father looked up and saw him, he spun on his heels. He couldn't stand it any longer - He had to get out of there before he exploded.

"Son?" His father caught up with him outside the large tent. "Won't you come in and celebrate with us? Your younger brother has returned! He is back!"

"How could you?" His heart pounded loudly in his ears, his chest near bursting with anger and humiliation. "How could you treat him like a king when you know as well as I do he was laying with prostitutes and wallowing with pigs? He wasted everything you gave him! Why on earth are you celebrating?"

"But he is back! Your brother is back - We had to celebrate!" His father looked genuinely confused.

"He doesn't deserve it. I never asked you for anything, yet he demands it all and you give it to him! You never threw me a feast for being the good son... It isn't fair!"

Have you been there? Have you ever watched as someone less deserving got the best piece of the pie? Have you ever wondered if there is justice in this world? I have. Many times. I have watched as our own family struggled, ate less than glamorously, didn't vacation, prayed as our business languished. I have looked up from the devastation that I felt and seen those that are so smug and wasteful, less than Christianly, prosper and flourish. I have watched as others enrich themselves on the soil of our despair... It was terrible. It was excruciatingly painful. It wasn't fair.

So where is God's justice? I mean, we hear about how fair He is and how He will be our ultimate Judge at the end of time. Does that mean that we don't get justice until then? We have to wait until the Rapture and return of Christ to see those that are undeserving get what's coming to them? Well, do we????

If I am waiting for that kind of justice, I hope to be waiting a very long time. I hope, for all of our sakes, that it is never fair.

God's love isn't built on justice. It isn't measured out in deserving spoonfuls based on what I have done for Him or how much I have tried to be a "good girl." Thank God for that! God's love - What we all crave whether we are aware of it or not - God's love is based in Mercy and Grace. I cannot earn it or achieve it. I can only ask for it. The very best part about having Him operate that way? If I ask for His love, genuinely and humbly, He will give it every time. Without fail, God will never deny me His love and His grace. That means no matter how ugly I have been, no matter how selfish, how hateful, how murderous my heart, God will always open His arms and welcome me back to His celebration. I am never turned from His table of plenty. He will never ask that I sit in the corner and watch as others eat. He always has my seat reserved for me.

I am comforted by that - for me. I don't much like it when I see others I judge as unworthy allowed the same grace. Why? Because my justice is skewed, my grace is nonexistent, I am without mercy in my heart. I am human. He is God. I look at the situation and want to view the repentance in action. I want to see that the person is really going to be sorry and change their ways. I look at the outward view of a man. God looks at the man's heart. He sees the repentance where it starts, He looks into the soul and judges there - There, where I cannot go.

It seems too easy, doesn't it? That someone can just say, "I'm sorry," to God and He accepts it without prejudice. It doesn't seem fair or right... It is the same with salvation. You don't have to DO anything. You only have to ask and viola! It is done for you. You instantly become a part of the family with all rights to inherit the kingdom of God. You would think that people would be signing up by the droves to get that kind of booty. They don't. It's too easy. Our human nature says there has to be some kind of ceremony, some sort of sacrifice...

The ease in which you and I are saved from an eternity of darkness came at a very high price, the ultimate in sacrifice. The only person to ever live this life without sinning (not even once) took all of it on for us. He did it all! Christ did everything we couldn't do, so that He could climb onto a cross and be covered in every sin - EVERY SIN - past, present and future! His own Father, who vows never to turn from us, turned from Him so that we could have it so easy.

I won't tell you that I don't struggle with the prodigal son thing... I won't tell you that I don't wonder at times why on Earth God allows such painful injustice to wallop me on the head and bring me low. I will tell you I get it. I get that God wanted it to be so easy that to not accept His love would be folly. I get that if I am allowed His grace for every nasty thing I have done and will do, I have to allow others the same process. God's love isn't fair.... And aren't I glad of that?! After all, I am the only one that stands in my way from attending the same feast - And if you know me, you know I rarely miss a party!

Be blessed... not fair.

Simple Stuff

I know! It has been too long! (Reaches out and gives you that uncomfortable "pat-pat" hug.) I try desperately not to give apologies or false hope here. I won't tell you "real life got in the way" or that I have been very, very busy - All of which is true. I will tell you that this is still my happy spot and I miss you when I don't show up here. I have been out in Analog World doing Me.

Me? Well this chick is a mess! She does things like lays laminate floor and crochets sweaters, draws cell phone covers and decorates glassware. She has a card business and lots of creative ideas. She writes reams and then doesn't write at all. She's simple and she's complex and all of that inside a 30 nano-second time span. I won't pretend to know why I have been out of the blogosphere for the last two weeks, I only know that I have accomplished much, gotten some much needed chores done, reclaimed an entire room in my home, lost a dog and been dealing with an insurance company. It has been a little hectic... And yet, I have been happy. Well... As happy as I can be when I am not writing.

Writing is just so much of who I am. It is the essence of Me. When you do what you love it is as if you suddenly exist. When I neglect it - Well, I become shadow - bodiless mist, as it were. Don't feel sorry for me, I can be damned productive shadow-mist! But I still pine for that space in my head that feeds my writer-self. I miss it. And so... Here I am!

It hasn't been an easy week, but I am still here, all of my loved ones are safe and the hard decisions are made. It is in these weeks, when I rely on God most, that I become aware again of how important it is to say thank you for the simple things and take a moment to appreciate them fully. Here is my list:

• I love the smell of fresh ground, fresh brewed coffee, hot in my mug, the color of warm caramel.
• I love to see my dog stare at me. Such innocence and love, unconditional and unwavering.
• I love realizing that the cat who loves only my husband is sitting next to me and allowing me to absently stroke his incredibly soft head. I love that he pretends not to notice I am touching him and I love that I touch him without thinking about it.
• I love that if you leave honey and lemons in a mason jar long enough they ferment into a lovely addition to your Vodka.
• I adore text messages from my love. He gets me... Mostly.
• I love my bed and the sound of my fingernails on the keyboard. They remind me that I am doing what I love in the best spot in the house, surrounded by the things that I love and love me back.
• I love the smell of cut lumber.
• I love the feeling I get when I accomplish something I was afraid to start (Yes, laminate floor and cardigan sweater, I am talking about you!)
• I love remembering to write things down so I don't forget them later and then actually remembering where I wrote them so I have them at my disposal when the time comes...
• I love the feel of crisp, fresh paper
• I love knowing that all of my choices, good and misguided, make me who I am and no one can say they have done it exactly like I have.
• I love feeling my purple converse get wet from the slush because it means we have snow on the ground.
• I love knowing that no matter what I fear, God already knows how it turns out.
• I love the curls and waves in my hair that are so trendy right now and all I have to do is give it a spritz and I am done...
• I love being a sister.
• I love finding a bargain at the Goodwill at just the right moment and confirming that it was a really good deal!
• I love just being...

What are your simple things? Say thank you right now and count them out loud!

Be blessed!

Where the rubber meets the road

As I tried to put on my "mom's-in-control-and-there's-nothing-to-worry-about face, as I drove as slow as I could force myself to drive, as I turned on the radio and sang along to keep my jangling nerves from showing, I knew it was one of those moments. One of the times I talk about that God speaks into my soul and I'm expected to listen...

It had been a long five days. My son had come down with influenza B and I had been doing the best I could to juggle work, caring for a sick teen and prepping the Man for a road trip in a few days that would last more than a week.

The Boy had been having terrible bouts of stomach cramps in the night time hours and I was fried. I don't function on interrupted sleep and three nights of it plus the stress of getting enough liquid into a surly teen was taking a huge toll. I have to admit, when he walked into my bedroom doubled over in pain I responded in frustration. There is nothing as irritating to me as feeling helpless and that was exactly how I felt: helpless.

Nothing I was doing was helping my son. Food didn't alleviate the pain, we didn't have any Pepto (which I know now was a good thing), and it seemed to be getting worse. After probing with some pretty invasive questions about his bathroom activity I decided to call a helpline. Something was definitely off.

If you've ever called a nurses helpline you know they can be incredibly compassionate and caring. This was no exception. The nurse I had even went the extra mile when my phone cut out twice not to drop the call. She made a point to call me back and continue getting the information.

If you've ever made one of those calls you might also be familiar with the tone of voice they take when they become concerned. It's a very sunny, I-don't-want-to-alarm-you-but-crap-just-got-scary distinctness I've heard only a few times in my life. It was time to head to the emergency room and she wanted to know if I was ok with doing that or if she should call 911 for me... Uh... Wow. There just isn't anything like that kind if reality slamming head on into your night.

No, I said, I can take him. When she began asking me to confirm that my Boy was coherent, that his speech wasn't slurred and that he could walk on his own power to the car I knew we were on a time crunch and that losing my cool was not an option. Luckily, that kid is made of some pretty strong stock and we made our way to the car and out onto the night time roads.

While I had a suspicion of what we were dealing with I also knew my child was counting on me to maintain a sense of security. He was watching my every move looking for any reason to be concerned.

Normally I'm a basket case when it comes to the safety of my "chillins". I'm overdramatic, volatile and protective in the extreme. Lots of eye-rolling tends to accompany my tirades and plenty of, "oh mom!" This night there was something different. I had a peace surrounding me. I knew we were at the edge of a dangerous place, potentially in some serious trouble but I also knew, just as sure as I was sitting in that seat, that Jesus was along for the ride.

You can call me crazy, over zealous, delusional - whatever you want. I really don't care. How I reacted, the quick way we made it to the hospital, all the professionals involved who looked and actually listened to us... He was there.

Even after two days in the hospital and the Boy on his way to recovery from a stomach bleed that still isn't quite pinned down, I'm confident that Christ is with us here. We have very few answers and not a lot of direction but my heart is full and my head is clear. We are in the palm of His hand always. No matter the situation He is there. I don't know what the next report holds but things look hopeful for us. It could've been so much worse but thankfully it wasn't.

We are not done here yet. It takes way more time and patience than I think it should for the simplest of tasks. But I'm doing my best to relax into it. No matter what my day consists of, no matter how interrupted my routines become, God is still at the helm. Trusting Him will always be challenging for me but looking back on this week I know He's not done proving He's worth it.

When I'm tempted to question what God is doing, when I think I just want to know what His ultimate plan is, I hope I can conjure up this memory of being held right in the palm of His hand, cradled, loved and protected.

Thanks go out to everyone who's prayed with us for a speedy recovery. We continue to covet those prayers as we await discharge, whenever that might be.

Be blessed!

Splash Zone

We have all seen it. A swimming pool, water park, kiddie pool, Vegas... You name it, where there is water, we have seen the "Don't get any on me" dance and squeal. The little girls around 12 to 15 years old are the best. They threaten, fuss and do that funny jog in place-limp-wristed-hands-held-up-above-the-water-level dance. For whatever misguided reason, they think they can get into a pool and look cute with curled hair, lip gloss and perfectly applied mascara and every one will respect their desire to be just that: Cute. If there are any boys of corresponding age in the pool, we all know that will last as long a jar of Nutella at my house! Doused and crabbed out, out of the pool they will stomp looking like drowned raccoons to pout on a chaise somewhere out of sight. Oh and let the whining begin...

We aren't much different spiritually. Ever been to a Christian conference or better yet, your own home church and thought, "Oh man! If only (insert other person's name here) was sitting right beside me... They really need to hear this!" You nod along to the pastor's message, even throw in a little "Amen!" when you feel particularly sure that this will be the dvd you actually pay $2 for so that ole so-and-so can hear it for themselves. Yeah... Tread lightly, folks. I have been just that person and not too soon after I was sure I knew that God was speaking directly to someone else's sin, splat! You guessed it... I got some on me!

It is funny. That special way we can look around and point out fault like we are Gordon Ramsey in a Kitchen Nightmares episode. Yet to the gaping holes in our own spirituality we are oblivious. (What is that breeze I keep feeling?) Those times that God allows us to be privy to another's failings I have learned, are not so much the accolade that we are right and they are wrong. Quite the opposite: they are warning signs that anyone can struggle. Lest I start thinking that I have it all in the bag and under control, God will splash a little light my way and illuminate the sinful behavior I am engaged in. It is all in how you respond in that moment. I can stomp out of the pool and harumph my way out of sight, or I can stand in the light of my Lord and say, "Well! Would ya look at that? I got some on me..." Until I recognize that I am also covered in sin-splotches, I have no compassion for others or desire to scrub it out of my own life.

God is gracious, however, and He also allows us to be splashed with the light of someone else's joy. When a missionary, visionary or just amazing Christian influence embarks on a journey to better themselves and the world around them they have a tendency to splash around in the pool of life. They aren't being malicious in their whirling and twirling... They just can't believe they have been allowed the opportunity to live it up in the deep end of the pool! You know the feeling right? That moment you finish a book like Wrecked and you examine your life for something to be spiritually destroyed and rebuilt over... When you start recognizing your Flinch and decide, "No more fearing failure for the sake of mediocrity!" When you redefine yourself as courageous. That is the moment you realize you got some on ya... And it feels great!!

Whether what you have dripping down your shirt is revealing light or exuberant joy, don't be afraid to splash a little, jump a little, get a little on ya... It's about time we were unapologetic and excited that God chose us! He chose us to make us better, He chose us to exemplify unconditional love, He chose us so that we would chose Him. Make it count!

Be blessed...

Off Grid Living

I took a hiatus from Facebook not too long ago. It wasn't because of boredom, or because I grew out of it... I wish I could mature beyond a need for human interaction, but I have yet to reach that pinnacle. I took the break because my feelings got hurt. And then they got hurt again. And again.... And after a sincere and tear filled conversation with my husband, I decided close my account and log off. At the time, I didn't care if I ever set my digital foot-print on that site again, I was that hurt. There were lots of reasons I left but at the crux it was my own emotional immaturity and my inability to accept that not everyone has to like me.

I share this rather embarrassing part of my history because I hear from women more mature than myself that this new age of living online has them soothing hurt feelings too. How can you not, on some level, have a stinging sense of exclusion when you are able to see inside the workings of someone else's life and you are very obviously left out? When everyone of your "other" friends is thanked and you are left out, when you read of a party you were not invited to, yet someone you think barely knows them is included? How on earth are we expected to react when we feel slighted, hurt and excluded?

For myself, this came to a head when I realized that I was neither reacting nor relating to the situation as a Christian. I realized I was looking to outside sources for validation, away from my heavenly Father, and right into the grasp of the enemy. I was turning to the world for validation, not separating myself from it as God so clearly instructs. I also realized that I needed to really, honestly - brutally - look deep within myself and determine if I was mature enough to handle the responsibility of being part of something like Facebook. Was it the venue, or was it me? Was I the one with the problem?

Regretfully, but thankfully for my sanity, I came to the conclusion that until I was able to resolve some other major issues with my heart (think bitterness, grudge-holding and self-riteousness), I needed to excuse myself from all social networking. It was a blessing... I began blogging instead, met some amazing folks, and resurrected a life-passion that had laid dormant for years. I know that God worked it together for His ultimate good, but man - did it hurt in the meantime! It meant that I had to look at parts of me that I distinctly despise and it meant being disciplined enough to really know myself and do the right thing for me. To not fold under the pressure, no matter how well meaning, of my friends who didn't want me to leave FB was very difficult. I wanted to stay, but I also knew until I dealt with my issues, it was a no-brainer... I needed to log out.

When I got down to it, who was I trying to please? Was it God that I had my sights set on, or was it something else altogether? Was I in His will with my obsessive compulsive behavior? Ahem...Definitely not. So in this age where we talk ourselves into this mantra of, "I deserve to be a part of this or that," I had to look myself squarely in the eye and say I was not mature enough to be on Facebook. I was looking for validation beyond God's desire for me and I was acting childishly to boot.

I wanted my "friends" to shun my offender and they did not. I wanted God to punish my offender, and He didn't appear to even blink... In fact, to make matters worse, it looked like my offender was being rewarded! In the year and a half that I removed myself I realized I had a choice. I could use the venue as a tool or I could seek out other means of entertainment and self promotion.

Ultimately I learned some valuable truths about myself and how I to interact on a social network to keep my heart safe and God happy.

1. I view only what comes into my News reel. I don't visit other people's pages unless they tell me they have something specifically for me to see. That keeps me reading only things they want me to see. I have relied on a something my Aunt has said over and over, "What other people think about me is none of my business." I always thought that was crap until it was explained in light of my own private thoughts. Would I want someone else to know that? uh... Absolutely not!
2. It is good to take a break from the constant bombardments. I have committed to my family to have one tech-free day a week. No phone, iPad or computer for a whole day. If we leave the ranch only one adult is to have a phone and only to be reachable in case of emergency. It keeps us sharper, more aware of the others around us and less likely to take each other for granted. And do you know what? We are all pretty funny individuals! My kids have amazing senses of humor and my husband is a rockstar! (Just sayin'...)
3. I think more about what I am saying when I post now. I try to realize that there are folks out there who struggle with exclusion and who have the same issues that caused me to log off. I try to be uplifting and not Debbie Downer. No one wants to read continuous posts about how crappy my day went. And when I just have to post about a disappointment, I try to find some sort of humor in it. After all, it's just a bad day, not a bad life!

I know it isn't cool to say this, but take time to put the gadgets down once in a while. Let peeps know how to get a hold of you in an emergency, but live some analog time out there with a cup of coffee and a good friend, face to face, smile to smile, laugh for laugh. You will be astonished by how amazing you feel afterward!

Be blessed!

Pinterest is evil and other truths about me...

Pinterest is evil. Not because of its electronic nature, or because of its content. No, it is evil because it steals my time in huge chunks. I have a few interests that I love to cruise for, but mostly, when I am waiting in line or bored or just plain ignoring my to-do list I saunter through its maze of wonders in search of "Snark" that relates to me.

It is also something that God calls me to. No, not posting wildly inappropriate e-cards. That isn't what I mean. Sharing parts of me that are imperfect, flawed, sinful and snarky - That process is important to me, and believe it or not, it is important to God. He wants me to take myself less seriously, He loves to hear me laugh and He wants us to know that no one - NO ONE - deserves a pedestal. Well... Except for His son. But you know what I mean, right?

The thing about exposing one's flaws to the world and then laughing about it is simple. Once they are out there, flapping in the wind like so much excess skin on a running Bassett hound, they are much less powerful to our inner psyche. Once you share with the world that you are not the picture of perfection that you think you are (and yes, you are the only one who thinks it looks perfect), that Voice that taunts you inside, it loses its power over you. You become a lantern beaming out the rays of God's all-accepting love through all those holes of imperfection.

Today, I am thanking God for my struggles, for my sins, for the problems that won't leave my side. Those things, are great teachers of God's patient love. They remind me that I need Him, that He loves me despite of my awful behavior and the murderous thoughts I think in the post office Que. The flaws I have poke holes in the desire of the Enemy to keep my light under a basket. When I shine them forth, I steal his power over me and I fly in the face of my own pride. It also takes me down off my own rickety pedestal and puts me among those that need to know the love of God on a much more personal level.

Take a little time today to poke some fun at yourself. After all, you have a few hours to sink into the Pinterest-time-continum, right?

Bring it on!

Ringing in the New Year... Sounds so official and elegant, like one could simply ring a bell and magically erase the previous year to start afresh. With the tolling we would wipe away the mistakes of our past annuals and be granted a consequence free new deal with which to begin again. Unsullied, pristine, unmarred by our selfishness and poor judgement. Oh, if only it were so!

Never gunna happen... But I can go back, take an honest poke at what I remember about last year (yes, I said what I remembered), and plant new, fresh, wonderful ideas firmly into the landscape of this coming year. Don't get me wrong, I am not a resolution type of gal. If I make a resolution, one thing is certain - I will promptly fail at keeping it, beat myself up for failing at it once again, and then eat something I shouldn't while washing it down with far too much wine. Ahem... Now that you know my stance on New Year's Resolutions, it should all be very clear.

No, what I am talking about (because I tend to explain waaay too much what I am NOT talking about), is this:

* I WILL write more out here in my lovely place. I know I said this last year too. And I actually did it. I wrote more than I did the year before. You may not have known it, because I don't post everything I write, but I did... really... Don't judge me. I will stop requiring myself to carve out time and I will simply make time. I will stop requiring a clean house, a perfect marriage, a groomed puppy and I will just plop my butt in my chair out here to write. I have to start thinking of this as less of a "treat" and more of an act of obedience. God didn't ask me to use this talent only when I had completed some chore list. He asked me to write...

* I WILL investigate more ways to publish my work. No matter how scary that is and how much I fear rejection, I will remember that God has not allowed one word He wanted out there to be rejected. In fact, everything I have submitted for publication, has been - in fact - published. Pretty freaking amazing!

* I WILL nurture the friendships I have while still pursuing others in the manner of a new kid at school. Being social is a skill, I refuse to allow it to wane with my waistline! I don't care if it causes my kids to walk in front of me three or four strides, I will stop the uniformed service-folk and thank them for their service to our country, I will talk to the cute babies and new mothers in line at the grocery and I will listen when God asks me to encourage someone I don't know. Those moments are golden and have always given me joy.

* I WILL trust that no matter what cliff looms, what imbecile is spouting cockamamie BS or what hay prices do, that God will care for my family as he does every sparrow I see pecking at seemingly nothing on my gravel driveway. If God is going to make sure those sparrows have a meal in their tiny little tummies, I know He has my back.

*I WILL continue my self-imposed moratorium on news channels, talking heads and grinning reporters of the macabre. Call me naive, but I believe that we are healthier when we don't know everything there is to know about the latest tragic killing of babies. I understand the need for compassion, but honestly, I don't have to know the gory details to wind up in a ball on the bathroom floor, too paralyzed with terror to walk out my front door.

* I WILL use social media as just that: a means to be social! I do not want to read about how incredibly frustrated you are politically, I don't want to see the latest burnt up puppy or half dead baby on a gurney. I want to know what you did last weekend that was fun, uplifting, changed your outlook on life in some way or maybe just where you had the best martini you ever tasted! I appreciate that you are impassioned about many things, but let's be wise about the over-share. And while those snarky pictures and sayings are great once in a while, can you please let us know you are still a human being who can actually type on a keyboard? Just sayin'.

* In general, in 2013 I WILL laugh more, hug more, invite the neighbors over more and attempt to look at my life through a lens less focused on me and more focused on what God might have to say about it. He was asleep in the bottom of the boat while the Sea of Galilee churned about violently and the disciples had to actually wake Him up! Think about that a moment... He really is trying to tell us that what we see around us doesn't have Him worried - Why are we? Trusting God with all I have is the hardest and yet most rewarding thing I can ever get better at. It is worthy of my time and then some.

Be blessed! It's gonna be a spectacular year! (Again...)

Desperate Conversations

Photo courtesy of Gail Pniak

"Are you there? God? I really hope you are there... I am desperate for someone to talk to. "

Speak, Child. I am always listening. You Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, Ps 10:17

"This is hard, Lord... This thing you asked me to do. It's really hard!"

Yes. I will give you the strength to do it. The lord gives strength to his people; Ps 29:11

"But God! You don't know what you are asking me here... It hurts to do this thing! I suck at it! I can't keep doing it all wrong and have your purpose be served. There has to be some other way!"

You are the vessel I have chosen. I chose you before the beginning of time for this role. I still choose you. Keep going. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. Eph 1:4

"Lord, you are not listening to me! I can't do this all by myself, I am too weak and sickly to keep going!"

You are not by yourself. I am here. I will not leave you in this. You can do it. You will do it. I will give you strength. Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deu 31:6

"I feel so alone and abandoned, Lord. No one is here for me and no one wants to help. They all say the same thing... They all say to keep praying."

It's good advice, to pray. Keep your eyes on me. Like a firefighter rescuing a child from a burning home, keep your eyes fixed firmly in mine and I will guide you out of the flames. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Cor 4:18

"Lord, I am tired..."

I will give you moments of rest to rejuvenate. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Mat 11:28

"I am so unworthy. I can't possibly have enough faith to keep going."

All of you are unworthy of my love. I don't love you because you deserve it, I love you because I AM. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Rom 3:23

"If only I could see your plan for just a moment, just a second... Then I could understand and keep going. Then I would know why!"

My ways are not your ways. Even if I opened the Book, it would not encourage you. You could not comprehend the entire tapestry for the one small strand that is you. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Is 55:9

"Can't it be just a little easier? Why does it always have to be so hard?"

If it were easier, if I allowed you comfort, would you be on your knees with me right now? I determine the difficulty based on my knowledge, not on your comfort. Growth is painful and you are growing... For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. 1Pet 2:19

"Lord, how can I go on in such fear and desperate circumstances? I am only human... Surely, there is another person more qualified than me..."

Do not be discouraged. Even one far greater than the angels asked to be relieved of His duty. My will, not yours. Remember that. Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done. Luk 22:42

"This is hard, God. I hope it's worth it."

I gave you my promise. There will be great reward. Just keep going. Eyes up! Knees bent! Hands open wide for all the bounty that will come... For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer 29:11

On Floating (Wherein All Feet Are NOT Firmly On the Ground)

I feel lighter today. I can't always explain it when this sensation hits me, but it is one of absolute freedom. The picture says it all... At one point in a horse's stride, there are no feet on the ground, everything is airborne and they float, if only for a moment. I am in that instant in time today and it is glorious!

I do too much. It is no one's fault but my own and I am coming to grips with it, day by middle-aged day. I realize that if I am to do the things God is asking of me, I have got to let go of the things He has not called me to. I have to allow myself the freedom to say, "Someone else will do this better." It is excruciating for me to admit. It is a hallmark of mine to do LOTS of stuff... I admit I have been doing much of it for all the wrong reasons. I have craved accolade, acceptance and awards. The irony is, I can never gain those things because I am horribly overbooked and the end result suffers for it! Nothing gets done well when I try to do everything...

I am reluctantly trusting that God is at the root of my next steps. It hasn't been easy. I am still struggling with the desire to take it all back and say, "It's ok... I'll do it. It really isn't as bad as I thought..." Why do I do that? Is it shame at feeling like I failed? Is it pride that I think no one can really do my job as good as I can? Is it the insanity of exhaustion? Or is it the Enemy hoping I will stay mired in my routines and not step out to do the things that God is asking of me? I shudder to think I will succumb to any of it, for any reason.

The difficulty lies in asking another for help, primarily because I am ashamed at the mess I have created. I have procrastinated and delayed and done a half-assed job. Now things are in a shambles and I need help to clean it up. To allow someone into my mess, even if it is only a perception of mess, is to admit that I am a failure. It is almost unbearable. In my denial, not long ago I caught myself lecturing a friend on their inability to allow others to help them... Hmmm. I had to step aside to dodge the lightening bolt. I will call that an epiphany!

When I cannot possibly see another way out, I can't let my "but" get in the way. If I look up and then look around, I may just find someone in the vicinity with their hand up hoping I will pick them to be on my team. I can't be so prideful to think only I can handle it, only I should be involved, it is my mess and no one should have to deal with it but me. The Enemy wants me to think that way. He's desperately hoping I won't ask for help. After all, it is so much easier to defeat just one weakened Christian than a team of them working together for the glory of God!

Take a moment, look up, then look around. Is there someone who wants to help you in your trial? Who are you to deny them their gift to you? After all, that gift is coming directly from the hands of God who wants more for you! Let go, get light and float right into His purpose for your life!

Photograph courtesy of the talented Eli Paulsen. Contact me for more information on her work.

Traveling the Back Roads

My heart beat faster as I took the exit ramp off of the Indian Nation Turnpike. This was not an Interstate, it was a state highway. I don't take state highways, I stick to the well traveled, well cell phone covered, well populated Interstates. This was definitely not Interstate... I checked my phone again and wondered how I managed to choose this route? I didn't remember taking such small highways the last time I made my way to my sister's. The route seemed accurate enough and it calculated out as shorter time-wise. I decided I would follow the soothing voice on my navigation system. How lost could she get me? (Ya, I tried not to think about that...)

While the Turnpike faded into my rearview mirror something short of magical happened. The landscape began to close in a bit, uncleared by the relative newness of the Interstate system and small towns cropped up unexpectedly. There were few signs heralding the approach of another little hamlet until you were right up on it. The travel speed wasn't much different from Interstate postings and I realized that God had provided exactly what I needed on this trip into Louisiana through the North East corner of rural Texas. I was about to be interested in my drive!

I was rejuvenated and enthralled by the appearance of quaint towns, not a soul in sight on this Sunday, as they basked in the balmy shade of tall, tree lined state and county highways. It fueled my imagination as I drove and wondered what went on in those old homes, cool and brick-clad against the sweltering heat. I admired the porches and the porch furniture (from big wicker rockers to old dining chairs) and thought about how lovely it would be to sit in the evening breeze with a cold glass and good friends. If I had stopped at the Turnpike exit and re-routed I would never have seen the beautiful North East Texas countryside. I would have missed a renewing of my love of southern charm... I would have missed God's gift to me that day.

I realized then that I had always traveled Interstates because I wanted to feel safe. I driven those wide and barren expanses because I could read road signs and track my next fuel stop, my next meal, my next potty break. I wanted security, speed and most of all, control. I do that in my life more than I should. I seek out the fastest, most efficient and expedient route to my destination and forget that the journey too has value. I don't stop to enjoy the moment but careen on to the end-goal. I miss out on the details like tire swings, wading pools, sleepy hounds and effortless landscaping.

I had everything I really needed to step out of my comfort zone on that trip. I had my guidance system, I had company (although traveling with two teens definitely lacks in the conversation department), and I had a way to contact others if I needed help. I didn't have to know my route inside and out. In fact, that was what entertained me as I traveled. I didn't have to stop at a nationally known fuel stop to gas up. That too was rather entertaining! I trusted and I drove and by the time I got to my destination, I realized that I had reached a milestone. I could enjoy the journey... (You do see where I am heading, right?)

I let myself be guided instead of anticipating the next step, the next stop, the next leg of the trip. I slowed down, I took a look around and I inhaled! I know there are interstate moments in all of our lives that we can't see any other way around. Interstates have their places. So do the small country roads, the lanes with the old barns in the distance, the little main streets in small towns with men sitting outside the barbershop... I need those slowed down journey moments more these days than before. I need to allow myself the chance to get lost. In those moments I am learning to come alive.

Each country lane is teaching me to slow down, drink it in and bank the memory. How will I choose to travel my life? Speeding down the Interstate or ambling along a narrow State highway taking it all in? I know I'm not done with the Interstates, but I'm learning to value the back roads as well.

Be blessed and get yourself a little lost today... God is waiting to show you something awesome!

A Little Ditty About Advice (wherein her "but" is exposed)

You're listening, you swear you are. The person in front of you is dispensing some well thought out advice and you are hearing them talk to you. At least you think you are. In between assimilating what they are saying and constructing the awesome response you will give as soon as they take a breath, that is. They are looking expectantly at you now, you almost missed the opportunity! Here it comes... The wind up... And the pitch!

"Yeah, but..." Fizzle, spark, GAH! Seriously? Did I just say that? Did I really just say in those two little words, "I am not listening to you because I already have all my excuses listed out in my own head, and although it may have sounded like I wanted your advice, I just wanted you to sit here and pat my hand while I griped about my circumstances." Uh, yeah, Stace, I think you did. Well doesn't that just suck!

Been there done that, have ya? Welcome to my world. It's a quandary. I am catching myself doing it less these days, but I guess that has a lot to do with my current surroundings. Maybe my current surroundings have more to do with this habit? Now ain't that a chicken and egg scenario. Harumph. But what do I do about it? How do I get past the "yeah, but" stage and into a more positive, less whiny, less self-serving outlook on my own life?

First, I think I have to take a good look at my motivation for sitting in front of the advisor in the first place. Sometimes, we simply want to talk, us women do... We want to kvetch about our issues and get a little girl time in there. We want to gripe about our husbands, our kids, our jobs, etc. That's what we do. So much so that our male counterparts think it is all we do when we get together. We like to call it "venting." (Call it venting, men - Do yourselves a favor!)

There are other times that we simply want to know if we are alone. We want to put out there our circumstance and have the listener say to us, "Oh, Honey! I know exactly what you are talking about!" To come together with a woman-friend who truly can relate to our own frustrations is comforting and confidence building. We think we are all alone in our trials, and that isolation can be a dangerous thing, so coming together with a trusty confidante is our attempt to make sure we aren't one step away from the looney bin.

Not often, but there are times, I really want an answer to the questions I put out there. I want advice, and I want it now! I may be exhausted, I may be confused, I may be hoping I missed something. So why then does my response seem to be one of such dismissal? It may be a case of simple vernacular. I could be so overwhelmed I cannot find the right words to say to you, "That is an interesting thought. I have touched on it before and this concern has always pushed me away. Do you have a way around that?" Ahem... Why are you shaking your head? You don't buy it? Yeah, neither do I!

The thing is, when I say, "Yeah, but..." It is a definite give away that I didn't really want advice or a solution in the first place. I either wanted a confidant, a Yes-woman or an accomplice. My motivation wasn't to get the problem solved, it was to have my problem validated. Unfortunately, my would-be advisor is now frustrated with me because they thought out a response, tried to deliver to me a solution, and I outright rejected it because I wasn't clear as to what I needed from the interaction.

I have a friend and part time business advisor who is great at watching my face when I am venting to her. She sits and listens quietly, waits until I look at her expectantly and then asks a very pointed question. "Do you want advice on this, or am I just being Friend-Kelly?" It makes me take a serious look at what I am saying, how I am acting and what my response might be should she pony up a well thought out response. It gives me a moment to assess my own needs and my own solutions as well. There have even been moments when after a split-second of silence, we have both broken out in laughter. Because we are such long time friends, I can even preface a conversation with, "I don't need a solution to this, I am just in need of someone to gripe to," and she is prepared with the appropriate response before I ever utter one word.

The next time you're deep in conversation with someone, whether you are in the advisor role or the one who is pitching a b----, and those two little words are tempted to come out of your mouth or you hear them uttered and want to get a little miffed, think about what you really want out of the situation. And try not to let your "Yeah, but" out of the bag unnecessarily. Compassion and understanding go a long way to building relationships that matter and when we are too busy formulating a response to the people we interact with, we miss some amazing opportunities to grow ourselves into invaluable friends.

It never hurts to ask, "Do you want me to give you advice or just listen?" That kind of response shows that you are involved and willing to put more of yourself out there if desired. It also shows that you are willing to put aside your need to be the superhero and listen when that is all someone wants. It is a harder role to take, for sure, but if a response on the advice level isn't desired, it won't be received well anyway. You will get the "yeah, but," and no one needs that!

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And as for those of you who thought you'd see my butt... Shame on you! (giggle)