A Letter to My Blog

I want you to know today that I miss you...

I miss the talks, the things I learned, the incredible way I feel when I am with you. I miss the laughter, the goofiness, the revelations in the early morning and the way you love all of me, warts included.

You are a delicious, wonderful, amazing, beautiful distraction. Leaving you is hard. Leaving you is a risk, but one I have to take...

Some will understand my choice, some will not. That is not my concern... I just wanted you to know today, without a doubt - I miss you.

Gone Finishin'

Photo Credit Creative Commons

I take on too much. I am a project starter, not necessarily a project finisher. I have been out there in the crazy maze of my imagination and I have been creating. It has been energizing and fun and full of potential and all of it is unfinished. It's unfinished because: 1. I have so many commitments I am like following around an ADD kid without their medication, 2. I get impatient with the process and the outlines and the actual typing it takes to get it on paper, and lastly (and most telling), 3. I am afraid of finishing because then I have to "ship my work." It's one thing to write stuff for me and see if I can do it - It's a whole other ball of wax to actually open up and show it to someone, let them tell you it's bad... really bad, or worse yet, let them tell you it's good.

The point I am trying to make here is that I have decided to concentrate on these other projects for a time. I will be out of the blogosphere for a while as I explore what it takes to "finish." I need to finish. I need to know that finishing is in me and that no matter what gets thrown my way I can press on and come to the end of something.

I look at the four book ideas I have and I see that each one is about taking an ending and creating a beginning from the ashes. Endings are a catalyst for beginnings and while it is scary to face, I am excited to stand in the starting blocks once more. I can feel the tension in my body, straining to hear that gunshot... Writers ready....

FINISH!

Blessings to all and I will see you on the other side!

Stacey <3

Dream Big

Hope dreaming big for a little filly

Photo credit Eli Paulsen

I remember it almost as clearly as I remember the day I knew. We were standing in the driveway and our friends looked at us and said something to the effect of "This is just too big to take on."

We had been searching for a way to buy the ranch. We were exhausted emotionally, intellectually and financially. All of our creativity was gone. It felt like a punch in the gut. Even our friends thought we were crazy. Maybe we were. I asked Shane if he thought it was too big. He said, "Maybe." I was not encouraged.

The thing is, I KNEW what God had said. I knew He was going to put us here and none of the talking or planning or scheming we had tried was going to work. I was aggravating in my steadfast belief that He would deliver. So much so that my husband let me have it one afternoon. I had been ignoring the bullet points in our planning meeting with a business advisor and Shane asked if I had any input. I shook my head. He was frustrated and asked about my lack of participation. I explained that all of our planning was fruitless; I knew we were going to buy the ranch, I knew we wouldn't have to split it up and I knew exactly where our house was going to go. He had had enough. He all but hollered at me, "Well, when you get all that set up, you just let us know!"

It was hard. I didn't have any answers, I didn't have a cohesive plan, I just knew it was coming - would come in a huge rush - and there was nothing we could do to stop or sway it. But explaining it? Ya... Nope. I couldn't do it and it made me feel like an idiot.

Two years later we were moving into the self-same ranch we were told was impossible. God had been the author of our dream and He had brought it to fruition with a chain of events that sound like one of those Hollywood feel-goods. It shouldn't have been possible. It wasn't possible without God. He did it all.

That's how God works. He takes your biggest, most impossible, unachievable dream and He produces a miracle. Sometimes, like He does with dullards like myself, He lets you know with certainty that it's coming - but He doesn't hand you a road map.

It's about trust. It's about trust and obedience. He doesn't inform you of the next step because you will jack it all up with your "helping." He doesn't need or want my help, as much as that pains me... He wants to bless me, and He wants me to tell you about it. That's the part that is almost too easy. I am supposed to tell people that God takes an impossibility and moves every obstacle out of the way so that His plan is accomplished. My only role in the miracle is to move when He says move and then tell people how awesome God is. That's it. Be obedient and pass it on...

Do you have a dream you are certain is unattainable? Are you convinced it will always be just a dream?  Is it just too big to handle on your own? I challenge you to lay it at the feet of the Almighty and then just listen for Him to tell you when to move. You may have some real work to do in that "move" command, but I assure you it will all be worth it when you are sitting in your kitchen telling someone how awesome God has been in your life. When you are able to look back and see how many obstacles He removed, how much He lined up to make it all possible, how amazing it is to be a child of the Most High - you will be in awe of His love and humbled by His gifts.

There was a quote from Joel Osteen this morning that inspired me. In effect he said if my dream is doable with my own abilities, my own resources and my own time it isn't big enough. I don't agree with everything that man says, but that? That I agree with wholeheartedly. My dreams are big enough that I cannot do them alone. My dreams need God. Are you willing to dream that big?

Be blessed and dream big... SCARY big!

Fair Warning...

Photo Credit Creative Commons

I am having one of those moments this morning... One of those, I-really-don't-care-what-you-think-of-me moments where I go all bat-crap crazy and say EXACTLY what is on my mind. There it is... Fair warning, the shot over the bow, whatever you want to call it - I have given it.

I am feeling pissy and defensive and downright self-ritous. Yeah, yeah... I hear the doomsday music too, but sometimes you have to forge ahead and say it anyway, right?

I am so sick and tired of defending my stance that Christians are not these sterile, never have any fun, never laugh at themselves, never take a drink, never crack a sideways joke types that once they "drank the Kool-Aide" have to sit on the sidelines with pursed lips and wagging index fingers, judging everyone who does. Sick. Of. It. I don't believe it, I don't ascribe to it, and I won't be shut up by those who do.

Let me make this crystal clear - No holds barred.

I AM A CHRISTIAN WOMAN. I am not perfect. I say things I shouldn't. I drink. I don't smoke now, but I did at one time. I have tried certain drugs. I slept with men that weren't my husband as a young woman. I made mistakes. I found Christ. I pray daily that I never forget the place I have come from because: #1 - I could be back there with the blink of an eye; #2 - My testimony may be exactly what someone needs to know the unconditional love of Christ. I have developed a love for Christ and His desires for me that none can know but myself and Him. If I offend you because you don't like what I say, if your sensibilities are affronted because I refuse to pretend perfection, if you somehow have managed to excise all sin from your own life and cannot be party to me and mine - I wish you well. I will not beg you to stay. I will wish you no harm.

I believe that there are plenty of people out there who have been wooed by the Holy Spirit, only to be chased away by those same pursed-lipped, wagging-fingered zealots who started out the new Christian's education with all manner of "don'ts". I shake my head at that and the frustration rises... How different would the body of Christ be if we could somehow shake our preconceived notions and let all manner of person revel in the love that He wants to shower on us. How amazing would life be if the love of God was allowed to be experienced, untainted by our own fears and baggage? If I were covered in tattoos, piercings and had a drug addled past am I any less acceptable to God? Am I somehow damaged goods? If I love Him and He loves me, how is it right to hear people say I somehow cannot have purchase unless I cover up, shut up, look more the part? What does a Christian look like anyway?

Let's pretend (and let's all thank the Lord this isn't real!): If it were natural for a mark or scar to appear on your body every time you sinned, even though you love Christ, would it be fair for those with fewer marks (if there are any), to judge you? If for every sin, the mark was indiscernible from the next (because all sins are equally horrendous in God's sight), could you stand in judgement of another, not knowing what it was they earned the mark for? Even if you knew what caused the mark to appear, do you have the right, as a sinful human being with marks of your own, to judge your brother? Or is that domain of the Almighty alone? Maybe God doesn't mark out our sins because we all have them and every one of them is a personal affront to him no matter how "big" or "small" they are. Or maybe God does mark out our sins by covering us in human flesh. Just a thought...

I am not an idiot, I get it. We should all attempt to be more like Christ with every moment we have on this earth. I understand that there are new Christians out there that may find my brand of frankness off-putting and confusing. I am not saying I don't have flaws or that my sins are justified. Not at all. I am saying that living out loud is incredibly important to me. I am also recognizing that Christ sat with sinners, ate with prostitutes, associated with crooks, thieves and political aspirants. He didn't deny them a seat at his side. What right do I have to not do as Jesus did? And He also states very clearly in His Word, that there is no way on Earth that we can ever possibly be sin-free. Hmmmm....

(Takes deep breath...) Not everyone has to like me. I am not going to be everyone's brand of Christianity. I am ok with that. But do not mistake my admission of my fallibility for acceptance of such. I try daily to balance out the "bad dog" inside with the Christ-loved aspirations I harbor. I want to reach as many people as I can but I refuse to do it behind a faćade. I will love all of Christ's people with arms that once did nothing but evil. I will listen to them confess Christ with ears that once heard nothing but despair. I will encourage them with a mouth that cannot be tamed and fails in constancy. I AM A CHRISTIAN WOMAN, and I am loved by One who knows every hair on my head and every hope in my heart. I dare you to tell Him I am not worthy...

Hope in My Heart

Photo courtesy of Eli Paulsen

I could hear the other horses milling about in their stalls. The quiet contrast of the barn at night is so stark it's hard to comprehend how busy we are during the day. I was here on a whim, running something to the freezer, but something told me to look in on her. Standing outside the stall is never good enough - I had to go in. I squatted down, back against the wall and waited as my legs fell painfully asleep. Just being in her presence calmed my breathing, slowed my mind, made things simpler in an otherwise exhausting day.

Her mother eyed me suspiciously. I scratched her neck and she relaxed with a sigh as I squatted to peer at the foal, standing opposite me at her mother's side. The big mare dutifully snuffled at my hair, lipped at my cheeks and generally checked me out before turning to allow the foal a closer look. This little one was not like the last. She was not as curious, not as willing to fly in the face of her mother's protective stance to check out the two-legger encroaching on their night. I held my breath and prayed my legs would hold up.

She nursed from her mother and stretched her neck to sniff at me, tiny nostrils flaring with each breath. Her big brown eyes were tranquil pools of mild curiosity. I cautiously reached out with fingertips to touch her  muzzle... Softer than I could imagine and such a treat, I sat stock-still, hoping for her curiosity to get the better of her. She inched closer, walking under her mother's belly on tiny, halting hooves. The mare nickered her approval softly and I quit breathing for a moment...

The filly stretched her elegant neck out as far as it would reach and lipped softly at my fingertips. I closed my eyes and felt as her mouth determined that my hand held no milk. It was only a second, a short fleeting moment after long stretches of waiting and legs that couldn't move any more... But in that instant my heart melted into the goo that would love her all the more come morning.

Her name is Hope and she is filled with promise...

It Isn't Fair...

Photo Credit: Morgan Nati

He stood there, amazed. Slack jawed and more than a little irritated; he was fuming! After a long day's work in the fields he was returning to bedlam. Where was his father? The revelers were dancing and playing instruments, the smell of roasted meat filled his nostrils and not far away a familiar but heartbreaking sound of a man's voice filled his ears. He pushed his way past the partiers, to find his brother seated with his father. Laughing and feasting he was wearing one of Father's finest robes over tattered rags and as his hand reached for another chunk of succulent meat he caught a glimpse of the ring as it shone in the firelight. A ring? The robe? Really? Fury began to build in his gut, fiery and acid with the taste of betrayal. As his father looked up and saw him, he spun on his heels. He couldn't stand it any longer - He had to get out of there before he exploded.

"Son?" His father caught up with him outside the large tent. "Won't you come in and celebrate with us? Your younger brother has returned! He is back!"

"How could you?" His heart pounded loudly in his ears, his chest near bursting with anger and humiliation. "How could you treat him like a king when you know as well as I do he was laying with prostitutes and wallowing with pigs? He wasted everything you gave him! Why on earth are you celebrating?"

"But he is back! Your brother is back - We had to celebrate!" His father looked genuinely confused.

"He doesn't deserve it. I never asked you for anything, yet he demands it all and you give it to him! You never threw me a feast for being the good son... It isn't fair!"

Have you been there? Have you ever watched as someone less deserving got the best piece of the pie? Have you ever wondered if there is justice in this world? I have. Many times. I have watched as our own family struggled, ate less than glamorously, didn't vacation, prayed as our business languished. I have looked up from the devastation that I felt and seen those that are so smug and wasteful, less than Christianly, prosper and flourish. I have watched as others enrich themselves on the soil of our despair... It was terrible. It was excruciatingly painful. It wasn't fair.

So where is God's justice? I mean, we hear about how fair He is and how He will be our ultimate Judge at the end of time. Does that mean that we don't get justice until then? We have to wait until the Rapture and return of Christ to see those that are undeserving get what's coming to them? Well, do we????

If I am waiting for that kind of justice, I hope to be waiting a very long time. I hope, for all of our sakes, that it is never fair.

God's love isn't built on justice. It isn't measured out in deserving spoonfuls based on what I have done for Him or how much I have tried to be a "good girl." Thank God for that! God's love - What we all crave whether we are aware of it or not - God's love is based in Mercy and Grace. I cannot earn it or achieve it. I can only ask for it. The very best part about having Him operate that way? If I ask for His love, genuinely and humbly, He will give it every time. Without fail, God will never deny me His love and His grace. That means no matter how ugly I have been, no matter how selfish, how hateful, how murderous my heart, God will always open His arms and welcome me back to His celebration. I am never turned from His table of plenty. He will never ask that I sit in the corner and watch as others eat. He always has my seat reserved for me.

I am comforted by that - for me. I don't much like it when I see others I judge as unworthy allowed the same grace. Why? Because my justice is skewed, my grace is nonexistent, I am without mercy in my heart. I am human. He is God. I look at the situation and want to view the repentance in action. I want to see that the person is really going to be sorry and change their ways. I look at the outward view of a man. God looks at the man's heart. He sees the repentance where it starts, He looks into the soul and judges there - There, where I cannot go.

It seems too easy, doesn't it? That someone can just say, "I'm sorry," to God and He accepts it without prejudice. It doesn't seem fair or right... It is the same with salvation. You don't have to DO anything. You only have to ask and viola! It is done for you. You instantly become a part of the family with all rights to inherit the kingdom of God. You would think that people would be signing up by the droves to get that kind of booty. They don't. It's too easy. Our human nature says there has to be some kind of ceremony, some sort of sacrifice...

The ease in which you and I are saved from an eternity of darkness came at a very high price, the ultimate in sacrifice. The only person to ever live this life without sinning (not even once) took all of it on for us. He did it all! Christ did everything we couldn't do, so that He could climb onto a cross and be covered in every sin - EVERY SIN - past, present and future! His own Father, who vows never to turn from us, turned from Him so that we could have it so easy.

I won't tell you that I don't struggle with the prodigal son thing... I won't tell you that I don't wonder at times why on Earth God allows such painful injustice to wallop me on the head and bring me low. I will tell you I get it. I get that God wanted it to be so easy that to not accept His love would be folly. I get that if I am allowed His grace for every nasty thing I have done and will do, I have to allow others the same process. God's love isn't fair.... And aren't I glad of that?! After all, I am the only one that stands in my way from attending the same feast - And if you know me, you know I rarely miss a party!

Be blessed... not fair.

Simple Stuff

I know! It has been too long! (Reaches out and gives you that uncomfortable "pat-pat" hug.) I try desperately not to give apologies or false hope here. I won't tell you "real life got in the way" or that I have been very, very busy - All of which is true. I will tell you that this is still my happy spot and I miss you when I don't show up here. I have been out in Analog World doing Me.

Me? Well this chick is a mess! She does things like lays laminate floor and crochets sweaters, draws cell phone covers and decorates glassware. She has a card business and lots of creative ideas. She writes reams and then doesn't write at all. She's simple and she's complex and all of that inside a 30 nano-second time span. I won't pretend to know why I have been out of the blogosphere for the last two weeks, I only know that I have accomplished much, gotten some much needed chores done, reclaimed an entire room in my home, lost a dog and been dealing with an insurance company. It has been a little hectic... And yet, I have been happy. Well... As happy as I can be when I am not writing.

Writing is just so much of who I am. It is the essence of Me. When you do what you love it is as if you suddenly exist. When I neglect it - Well, I become shadow - bodiless mist, as it were. Don't feel sorry for me, I can be damned productive shadow-mist! But I still pine for that space in my head that feeds my writer-self. I miss it. And so... Here I am!

It hasn't been an easy week, but I am still here, all of my loved ones are safe and the hard decisions are made. It is in these weeks, when I rely on God most, that I become aware again of how important it is to say thank you for the simple things and take a moment to appreciate them fully. Here is my list:

• I love the smell of fresh ground, fresh brewed coffee, hot in my mug, the color of warm caramel.
• I love to see my dog stare at me. Such innocence and love, unconditional and unwavering.
• I love realizing that the cat who loves only my husband is sitting next to me and allowing me to absently stroke his incredibly soft head. I love that he pretends not to notice I am touching him and I love that I touch him without thinking about it.
• I love that if you leave honey and lemons in a mason jar long enough they ferment into a lovely addition to your Vodka.
• I adore text messages from my love. He gets me... Mostly.
• I love my bed and the sound of my fingernails on the keyboard. They remind me that I am doing what I love in the best spot in the house, surrounded by the things that I love and love me back.
• I love the smell of cut lumber.
• I love the feeling I get when I accomplish something I was afraid to start (Yes, laminate floor and cardigan sweater, I am talking about you!)
• I love remembering to write things down so I don't forget them later and then actually remembering where I wrote them so I have them at my disposal when the time comes...
• I love the feel of crisp, fresh paper
• I love knowing that all of my choices, good and misguided, make me who I am and no one can say they have done it exactly like I have.
• I love feeling my purple converse get wet from the slush because it means we have snow on the ground.
• I love knowing that no matter what I fear, God already knows how it turns out.
• I love the curls and waves in my hair that are so trendy right now and all I have to do is give it a spritz and I am done...
• I love being a sister.
• I love finding a bargain at the Goodwill at just the right moment and confirming that it was a really good deal!
• I love just being...

What are your simple things? Say thank you right now and count them out loud!

Be blessed!