Monday, July 16, 2012

Teeny Tiny

Being small. It is what I am thinking about today. That insignificance, that being out of control of anything you truly want, that place in your heart that the little girl or boy sits and shivers in the corner, head pressed against bent knees as they try desperately to weather the storm. Smallness.

Most of my life I live as a large personna. I am not a shrinking violet, a quiet girl, a sweetheart. I have spice and am what my husband refers to as "salty" most days. I speak my mind (most times too quickly), I don't smile if I don't feel it and I am probably not someone you will forget meeting. What I am trying to say is that feeling small isn't something I experience often.

Smallness is something that God is asking me to be open to, however. I don't mean that God wants me to cower in a corner. Rather, He desires me to relate honestly and humbly to things that I have no control over. He wants me not to fight the smallness but accept it. It doesn't come easy to me.

Some women are born to it. That quiet spirit, the knowing smiles, the deep sighs of contentment when I would be screaming in frustration. I surround myself with personalities like these so that I can maybe suck some of it in through osmosis. I am hoping that a smidge of that sparkly, light-as-air-fairy-dust-of-calm will light upon me and I won't immediately have the desire to brush it away in irritation.

I hope that I can come to terms with my smallness and rejoice in it. That I can more fully accept that God loves my small as much as He loves my big... My big is the easy part of me, the familiar territory, the facade I hide behind. I can fake the big when I am uncertain... The small, it screams hypocrisy when it is false! You can smell fake humility a mile away, like a rotting corpse with that sickly sweet scent of decay. You cannot pretend to accept the small. You either do or you don't, no middle ground.

I am working on the small... And God reminds me: "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" (Mt 6:26) Every thing He made is His to bless, from the enormous to the miniscule. There is nothing that escapes His love. I can relax and enjoy being small.

Have a blessed day! And think big small!