Thursday, April 19, 2012
The quiet here is delicious. I have warm coffee, a new chair to sit comfortably in, an infrared heater whirring in the background. It is absolutely blissful. No television, no pull of the laundry room, no hiding my head from the vacuuming that needs done. Today I get to breathe in the creative aromas of fresh wood, warm sunshine and brewed coffee. I am fueled.
It's funny. So many nights I would gaze out the back door and wish I could come out here and turn on the lights and sit to write out my thoughts. Today when I got here, I sit unencumbered by other obligations and I am blocked. Sort of. I mean, when you have such incredible expectations, you talk yourself into so many things that will happen "when." When is now, and I am realizing it will all have to be reassessed and reevaluated and refocused. Nothing worth doing ever seems to come easy.
When I was pregnant with Quincy I would sit in my office at work and dream about all the things I would get done once I was able to stay home with my baby. (I hear you laughing... Do you really think rolling around on the floor is necessary?) I quickly realized once she was born that I had been incredibly naive. I had manufactured this dream that was instantly shattered by reality. It was a wonderful reality (mostly, if you can overlook baby poop), but it was not what I had created in my mind. My plans had to change. I had to change. And I had to realize that it was all going to be tremendously hard work.
That is what I am coming to terms with now, with this new "baby." It is glorious, I am so very grateful and I am fully aware now I have lots of work to do. I have the tools, the motivation and the support. It is time to rid myself of the excuses, to find out what I deem time stealers (goodbye, reality TV) and really start to focus in on what God is asking of me.
I am overwhelmed. That I have such a beautiful place to work, that I have the unswerving (so far) support of my family, that God has allowed it all to come to pass without much stress... If I sit here and think about it too long I will become terrified. I don't deserve it, you know? But then, grace is like that. And this is definitely a grace-gift from my Father.
Be blessed today! I am.