Wednesday, March 21, 2012

A Day Late

I was never the fashionable one. That was my sister. She always had the cutting edge first and foremost in her wardrobe choice, her haircut, her shoes... I was always the "safe" one. The follower, never the leader. I would watch, critique, scoff and then eventually follow right along when the others said it was safe to do so. Today I laugh at that mentality. I still do that. But I can laugh at it and not fill with angst over something as trivial as my brand of jeans. If they cover my butt and they don't cut me in half, I'm good!

I bought this today...

The Holstee Manifesto

If you can, blow it up and read it. Like The Flinch, it will scare you in some ways. It should. It has some unconventional things in it and some very practical things too. It has been the driving force of my plans to keep writing and it has kept me from throwing in the towel of late. See, I am a little very frustrated with my surroundings and I have been struggling with how to make it all fit inside my head. As usual, I have arrived to the party late and everyone seems to be worn out and packing up to head home. I hate that. Just when I think I have finally figured out what everyone else is so excited about, the big to-do is over and I am left with a closet full of bell bottom jeans that fall way too low on my tuchus! (No one wants that.)

Well, this time I'm not budging. This time I am sticking with what I know to be my dream. Even if I showed up to the clubhouse too late to show everyone my cool stuff, I have to believe that what I have is important enough to keep doing, though I may be doing it alone.

Are you confused yet? Wondering why I am ranting? It's like this. There are two kinds of people in this great life of mine. There are those who know what they want to be when they grow up, and there's me. I have been in a supporting role for most of my life. I have been the wife, the partner, the mom, the taxi, the gopher, the friend, the confidante, the support system. I have been happy in that role, supporting other's dreams and pushing them to places even they were afraid to venture. I saw it as an integral role in their dream, knowing that I didn't really have my own, not yet. I didn't fret about it, though... I had a peace that just kept me satisfied to be good at being there for them. It was enough.

I had always figured that one day I would know what it was that I was supposed to be excited about and I was patient in that. I tried my hand at some things, but I didn't discover my dream until later. When my time finally arrived, I was stunned by it. Hit me like a ton of bricks! Completely out of my comfort zone and I wanted to refuse to do it. God would not be denied, no matter how much I explained that I had supporting roles to tend to. I had to write. I have learned to love it. I have had times that it was exceedingly difficult, but I know now that this is my dream. I cannot deny this passion, I have to write.

That's the thing about dreams and God-given passions. They will not lay quietly dormant while you decide to make time for them. They do not care that others don't quite understand it, they simply demand to be done. When I don't write, I am a shell of myself. I become cranky, lazy, depressed and surly. My husband knows this. He kicks me out of my support role often because he knows... He has his own passions, his own drives that press him onward. He understands what that brand of dissatisfaction feels like.

The thing about late bloomers like me is that we are often confused when we finally figure it out. We are in the minority, I think. We make a decision to follow our dreams later in life, for whatever reason, and we often find ourselves standing alone. I was excited to share that dream with all of those amazing people I surrounded myself with, all those people I supported through the years. They aren't here. They are off settling down. They are in inventory mode, taking stock, revamping and restructuring. It is frustrating for those of us who just arrived... We are full of excitement and drive and we are told to wait... slow down... don't make so much noise...

It feels a bit like the bar is closing down and I still want to dance the night away. So, dance I will! I am going to keep right on going and when those folks who are in contemplation are ready to rejoin I will be ready. I will welcome them into my dream and show them around. I will make them a cup of something warm and lovely, I will wrap them in my appreciation. I appreciate that they have shown me how to pursue my love, my passion, my dreams. I will profess to them how much their example has taught me to live without hesitation. I will share with them my excitement and hope to teach them to be excited again for their own dreams.

For those of you who are coming into your passion later than you expected, read and re-read the Holstee Manifesto. Let it sink in for you. It doesn't matter that some group of twenty-somethings wrote it... It has truth in it. What have you got to lose, really? There is something glorious about coming into your own with so much life-experience. You realize that what others think of you is less important than following what truly makes your heart sing. With age, comes a patience and a clarity that allows us to pursue our love more wholly, more determinedly, more completely.

"Life is about the people you meet, and the things you create with them so go out and start creating." The Holstee Manifesto